reaching that point.

I think I have reached that end of the rope point. I'm tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally; drained. It's been a rough couple of days. Everything just adds up. For the past semester, I've been the one that takes responsibility for making plans and making decisions for the future. I'm the one that everyone just depends on to do it. It's a huge weight on my shoulders. It is absolutely exhausting. I think I've always been that one person though honestly, the weight just amplifies as I age and mature. I am sick of taking responsibility for others, and planning things for others, and making sure everything is okay for everyone else. Can anyone step up and do that please? You think I have time to do things whenever I please? No. Simply no. I am here, I am there, I am a million places at once. I'm being pulled in about 5 different directions at once, so don't you dare even blame me. It's not fair to me. It's selfish and I will not stand for it. You don't give me a chance to explain myself, my situations, and my prior obligations. Just assume that I'm "bailing". Excuse me, would you like to rephrase that? Would you like to take a look at this past year and see who has been the one to schedule everything? Yeah didn't think so. I'm just plain angry. Yeah, a little hurt, but it just fuels the anger. That you would even think that I can't do things because I don't want to. Give me a chance, and give me the benefit of the doubt. kthanks.

followyouintothedark

why do i let simple things control me? i read into responses, into words far, far too much. we do this to each other. and it solves absolutely nothing. its not in my mentality to be the upside, im hard wired to be reserved and resort to my internal stores. im sorry i cant cater to your needs. im sorry im just like you. but then again, im not like you. im sorry i have to make things better, im sorry i absolutely cannot stand for something to just lay there broken. i need to fix it. i need to make it better. it's this thing i have about me. im just sorry for being sorry so much. when you retreat, you stay there. why am i always the first to try and solve the problem? you may be the initiator in other cases, but trust me, this one's more important. don't even argue with me on that one.
i detect something off, and i immediately resort to thinking what did i do this time? what did i mess up, what did i say wrong, what did my tone inflect? i ALWAYS blame myself. because if i don't, then there will be no blame. and then a gap will start to form, a tiny fissure that will continue to widen and expand into a huge, gaping chasm that will consume me. and you. im begging you, take some responsibility, some initiative to ask me what's wrong. is that feasible? i can't keep 'letting things roll off my shoulders', because frankly, absolutely nothing rolls off my shoulders. it just sits there and builds and builds and builds until i crush. there's always something left behind, carefully recorded in my subconscious, my emotions, in my heart. it's noted there and it will forever be there. it will make me feel something every time it's brought to the surface. whether it's a positive connotation or a negative connotation, well that takes a little bit from both sides to determine.

you tell me to tell you, but sometimes i'm scared...scared i'm gonna mess things up. that always gets me in the end. 

when all else fails.

what else can i do? im making myself more miserable the longer time goes on. "you know you're just hurting yourself in this..." i wish i had the courage to do something about it. but sadly, i dont. for the time being. i know i shouldnt let everything keep building, but thats kinda how its happening. usually when things need to be confronted, it just happens. i dont plan for it. and then everything, and i mean everything comes out. i feel like i have practically no one. there's always one constant though, i promise i dont take that for granted. id be plain stupid if i did. i feel like i cant depend on people, no one gets back to me. what about my issues, my problems, my life? what if i NEED you to listen to ME? i wont get it. i cant have plans with people, it seems like thats just not possible for anyone. spontaneity? im all for it. except that i cant be. i can just go ahead and count you out. depend on you? right. im always there. but it should go both ways. im isolated; stop being distracted in this life and think of others. it hurts when im at the back of your mind, im not considered, im just there when you need me, not for other times. whats fun? i dont even know that anymore, not specifically anyways. all the time spent is about problems, complaints, sufferings. and yes, its okay to let things out. but there absolutely must be a balance. learn to achieve that, i cant be the place where everything awful about this life is deposited without a care. what about the positives? there's always something. and its frankly very ironic that im saying that, must be a sign or something.

i sound like a selfish, whiny, little kid right now. but i dont even care. sometimes you just gotta feel like that sometimes, and sometimes its perfectly justified.

little victories, downfalls

everyone goes through those times. thats why they always say life is like a roller coaster. you go up, you go down, but in the end youre still riding that track. the key is making it through those times and coming out into the light. little things weasel their way in and irritate you in such a magnified way, but thus is life. ill be here in the end. no matter what. that commitment stands as strong as the day it was made.
dont look at the big picture, it only makes things worse. instead, turn it upside down and focus on completing the little separate parts. thats what my art teacher had us do when we were drawing something really complex. and it truly works. instead of focusing on making something look as life-like as possible, you focus on the lines and shapes and shades. when i look at the big picture, i get overwhelmed. its inevitable sometimes, but you make it through. one day at a time, thats my mantra. things to look forward to, goals to set, plans to be made, it all helps the time go by faster. just remember, always remember, im there till the end...

compromise.

its plain and simple, the action. the force driving it is one that is only momentary. temporary satisfaction for...what? the moment? the time being? what about after? guilt. remorse. reflection. forgiveness? i spend time dwelling on those times, the heat of the time, the desire, and how theyve already altered my future. how can i be so selfish as to give into such a fast-moving fire? it moves through me with a strong wind driving it, forward and forward more, until finally it goes out. and then the rubble of the left-behind ashes. must i give up, only to let such a fire consume even more? no. new life, discussion, conviction, thats whats in store. i want my future so bad, and i want to keep it pure and innocent. no spoiled experiences. everything will be new and an adventure. but only when the time comes. its healthier this way. i want to feel clean and light, content.

theres a first time for everything, but many of those firsts should be saved for the right time. im still saving the rest of mine.

what really

ive been thinking lately about the stuff i like to do, my interests, and how they tie together. what do i want to be known for? just one thing?
am i the girl with all the bracelets, the handmade unique ones? with long, wavy hair and tan skin?
am i the outdoorsy girl with the ratty pair of chacos, obx hwy12 sticker on the back of her outdoorsy 4wd SUV, who wears cool tshirts and cargo shorts?
am i the country girl with the thick southern accent? always caught in a camo hat, ripped up jeans, and dirty boots?
am i the one that EVERYONE knows played soccer and loves it? that goes to the gym almost daily and runs to stay in shape?
but really...i cant fit myself into just ONE of those. because every single one of those stereotypes shows through in me. at different times i might be one of those, since cramming them all together would get kind of messy, or tacky. does that make me a poser? not in the least;
ive always worn lots of bracelets on my wrists, each one is meaningful and is there to remind me of that meaning. granted i dont wear them all the time, especially when im working. gotta be professional.
ive grown up going camping, hiking, backpacking, enjoying the beautiful places God created for us. its in my blood to be like that. i have my pair of chacos, they go just about everywhere with me. my car fits me, that good old xterra. its just right.
ive loved horses ever since i can remember, im all for being southern. i love some good bbq, and while i dont hunt im all for it! i had a camo hat before they were cool. i had boots before they were trendy, ive worked my tail off in those boots. theyve seen every kind of mud you can imagine. they serve their intended purpose.
played soccer since i was 6, i love it. i like to be in shape, and fit. it just feels good. i miss playing soccer so much, i always will.

i dont have to fit into just one of my given interest areas. i love them all, and ill be them all.

sitting waiting wishing

i already an idea of what i want my future to be like. the house i want to live in, the land i want to have, the barn i want to build, the animals i want to own, the guy i want to be with.
i want at least a good bit of land, 20 acres or so. enough to have a good sized pasture and barn on, plus some trails somewhere nearby. i want to have good old jazz, whether he is just my beloved pasture ornament or is still able to be ridden. i want my children to meet the creature who gave me so much joy growing up, so much love, who taught me so much. i want jazz to have the best rest of his life he could ever have. green, so green pastures with big shady trees to relax in during the hot summers. a nice, clean barn with cozy stalls and warm blankets when it gets cold out. and best of all, ill be his vet. i can do everything possible to make him as comfortable as he needs. once jazz is happy, ill have a horse i can actually ride regularly. maybe jump for fun, maybe just trails. and then maybe one other horse, not for me though... i just want horses in my life. i know exactly the guy i want in my life in the future, and i cant see anything messing that up. sure, its early. but 7 years will go by fast. shoot, this past year flew by. just think if the rest of them do the same. i cant picture myself with anyone else, every single one of the things i always pictured in the guy i would be with is fulfilled. a Godly man who is in love with the Lord? check. likes the outdoors? check. likes a good truck? check. enjoys horses? check. likes country music? check. likes camping, hiking, backpacking? check. goodlooking? double check. make that triple check. dedicated to me? check. to the inth degree. good to me? check. everything lines up; thats not even all of it. checkcheckcheckcheckcheckcheck, the list just keeps going.
God has blessed me my entire life as far as the future goes. ive always known what i wanted to do with my life: large animal veterinarian. and now, about 14 years later, im pursuing that dream. as i got older and matured and thought about farther into the future, i kind of starting forming a picture of what kind of life i wanted after i got done with school. its getting clearer and clearer, by the day. by every 1st of the month. i dont know what His will is, but it's sovereign. and the only thing i can do is pray that it turns out the way i imagine.

they havent changed

the feelings have not faded, i still love this horse than anything. i miss him more than ever. the bond i have with him is like no other, i dont feel like i will ever have something that close or authentic, or such deep understanding, such unity with another. i love him.

11/25/10
so, jazzy boy has been a wild pony for the past couple of months that ive been away at school. hes been running free and wild and loving it. hes been staying at a friends house as a favor, but he cant stay there too much longer. ive had a lease ad up for him since august, a few weeks ago someone inquired about him. this lady lives up in durham, which is only about 30 minutes away from nc state. they are coming tomorrow to see him, and most likely take him back up with them. he will be closer to me, but its still a goodbye.
im NEVER selling this horse. i cant. its been 9 years with him. this video is not any new clips, they are just some of my favorite moments with him. i will never let him go. despite his stubborn personality, he has been there for me through everything. i can read this horse like no other. he knows me, and i know him. deep and to the core. no one else will develop that bond, i am his and he is mine. we seem to think the same and react the same, help each other and hurt each other. all the same. i love this horse. ill miss him. but its time for someone else to enjoy him as much as i do.
he will still remember me though, i have that faith in him.
 

1000faces

in this moment, youre not in your right mind. you just go with instincts coursing through your veins, your being. logical reasoning escapes and is temporarily forgotten. it still whispers ever so softly, but everything else overcomes that smallest sound. until it pushes back through and reality slams with full force; what am i doing? time screeches to a halt, as it dies and realization sets in. the subconscious, that part in your gut that lets you know whats right and wrong kicks in. remorse, determination, conviction, its all there. im not gonna let this little slip ruin anything though. ive got it way too good to let things get messed up. i want so bad for this to succeed, there are only a few things that i have ever wanted more than that in my life. my life goals and intentions, well they're shifting to center around that now. i cant see myself anywhere else, in all honesty. i can wait, until the time is right though. i already have a plan for the future, together? hopefully. i know what kind of house id like to live in, the animals id like to have, the things i want to do. its gonna happen, whether im 25 when its done or 75. ill be content. i am content. just that fact proves a lot of things to me, despite the slip ups that seem to occur. i wish specifics were possible, but i choose to stay away from that. then you might possibly know what or who im talking about.



iloveyou

just one of those things...

the L word. you cringe. roll your eyes. too young, too inexperienced, too early to know. that has been my mantra. but then i think about things as of recently, i think differently. that doesnt mean that ive turned into one of those head over heels, absolutely obsessed girls...my viewpoint is just a little different now, just a changed tone in the color. that word is not something to be tossed around. its not a feeling, its a commitment. its something that is so important to us as human beings; its a thing we crave, a necessity, its needed. it ties people together with bonds that dont break, if its true that is. those bonds can be stretched ragged but they're still there. once this commitment is there, it doesnt go away. that word, its a deep rooted undertaking. its one that surpasses all else in all situations, the good and the bad. the stressed and the joyous. bitter and excitement. its kind of like when you paint something, and its just a careless job where the paint is slapped on hastily. that top layer is a temporary coat, dull and patchy. the true color is still underneath, vibrant and ever-present. as the top layer wears away, just like our constantly changing moods and our reeling emotions that come and go, the truly beautiful color underneath streaks through. its always been there, sometimes you just have to work to keep it visible. and no, things are not always gonna be just dandy. but thats life. we are no where near perfect, and our flaws will always trip us up. but when there are two [beings] that are compatible, fit one another's mold, things tend to flow rather effortlessly. it becomes simple to put his needs and satisfaction and desires above your own. looking back on the selfishness that consumes you seems so frivolous. time wasted on pleasing yourself. but pleasing him seems so easy. and no, it doesnt consume you in the least. that is the wrong path to go. balance is key. and i have that. an equal yoke brings about that balance i so desire to have. its like that feeling of things just being so absolutely right that anything else just seems silly. perfectly fitted aspects of each other that move together so seamlessly.

"i think im in love with you..."
confession. the next level. i like to take things slow, savor those little moments. im ready for this move up though. the future of what is supposed to come after, well it's a long ways away. but frankly, i am perfectly content with sitting back and waiting for it. im in for the long haul. just enjoy the present for now, look forward to the future. thats my plan.

faded

its a leftover feeling. one where it becomes that the past is the past, and those times are not coming back. those times were reserved for only that summer, not any other time. things were perfectly balanced, everyone was in a state of mind that meshed; we helped each other grow, relied on one another for support and advice, we just had fun. the simple kind of entertainment that just feeds off of being around each other, we could have a good time anywhere; sonic parking lots, deserted pools, abandoned houses in the woods, someones living room, the place didn't matter. it just mattered that we were there with each other. it was when everyone still showed up, no one had drifted their separate ways yet. then came the next summer...some had left, never to return. some of us still clung to the past and tried to make the present go back to those times. tiny cracks that had previously been ignored were now widening into huge rifts that were next to impossible to cross. the cracks had been patched before, their seams held together by simple love. after that one, wonderful summer though, the patches came off and they were blatantly pointed out, called out upon, small faults were ever so noticeable. then fall: just like the leaves on the trees, the vividness of us was fading so slowly, only to gradually drift away and be gone.
its just like that last scene of the sandlot, one of my all time favorite movies. and yeah its not so philosophical, but it's exactly what happened to us...
1. i was mama. the responsible one, the one that took everyone under her wing, that looked out for everyone, that had the stable head on her shoulders, that made sure no one had too much fun, i was the leader. but then i went to college, leaving to follow my future, yet against my will. i was drowning in the shambles, desperately trying to find the pieces and make them go back together. they were much too broken though, into a million tiny fragments. too misshapen and distorted. now, two hours away, i am barely in touch with the leftovers. my life continues on; growing into new places, making new connections and new relationships, intertwining into other lives, gradually pulling out of the past.
2. you somewhat disappeared. no one has heard from you. its hard to without returned contact. weve tried, and i feel weird saying "we" now...there isn't a we. used to be a unit, now each aspect is independent. youre independent. and i miss you greatly. i worry about you, i wish i could do something. i just dont know what. i want the best for you. but somehow, i dont think you can get that on your own. dont follow this path; last i heard, it wasnt a good one.
3. all i can say is...what happened? i know your past, your hardships and temptations. at least i think i do. dont be afraid to tell me something because you think i will judge you. dont ever think that. do you feel guilt for what you do? you told us that summer that you regretted your mistakes, and would learn from them; they would not be repeated. but wait, arent you doing the exact same things you used to? i dont see any learning or conviction, nothing of that sort. blindly running and doing whatever you feel like doing, whatever makes you happy at the time. well let me tell you, you keep going after that instant gratification and see what happens. its a viscous cycle. please, please, dont fall into that. youre already falling though, and for some reason i believe that its because were not there to protect you anymore. nothing is guarding that deep black hole anymore, its fair game.
4. youre still there, we still have good times together. youve grown up so much, matured, thinking about college. it makes me happy, i still love you to death. i want to watch you succeed. theres no pent up anything, youre still like the old you, only older.
5. i think i still know you like i used to. you dont tell me any of those dark secrets like before, that curse you carry with you. i dont know what the effect of it is now, have you conquered it? i want to be there. thats all. i just want to be a part of everyones lives, like we used to.
6. youre in the army now. you used to be one of the leaders, right there by my side. since we were both the oldest, it made sense. you left and got caught up with her; you came home but we never knew, never saw you save for one time. now youve gone and broken her heart, and moved on to the next one. its all too fast, you cant rush things like that; commitment, forever, you just cant. take things slow and enjoy life being 19. despite the hardships that come with serving our country, there will be time later in life for love and frivolous things like that. just sit back and think about it, about the consequences of your actions. moving too fast can botch precious beginnings. just remember that.
7. the most radical for last...perhaps. i just dont even know where to start. what happened to the intimacy that used to be? things are so formal now, they seem so fake. i want none of that, i look for the genuine love that used to be there. the kind where it didnt need to be spoken, it was simply understood. that understanding seems to have gone away with the past, i guess its a thing of the past now.

i still hold onto the past. theres a difference though, in remembering it for what it was and trying to wish it back into existence. that just doesnt work. ill accept it and move on now, holding that summer close to my heart as one of the best of my lives. it wont happen again, not with those same people. the relationships just arent the same anymore. and as sad as it makes me, i still have a great sense of love for every single one of them, and every single one of those memories.

still.

its in those quiet moments, where everything is still and silent, that the emotions are strongest. actions speak volumes and the simple mentality of just knowing how meant to be something is takes over. the plan seems so solid and sure, its happening as intended, as planned by a power other than myself. i cant imagine anything else, it just feels so right. i catch myself doubting though, going on that feeling. always, always so cautious with the way things feel. im not a good judge typically of how i feel, and how it affects my life or current situations. however this time is so much different. i know that this is real, lasting, genuine, full of the right things. when all the things youve been looking for are finally in front of you, right there in your arms, you know it must be true. and im not gonna let it go for anything. ive found exactly what i want, and im not losing it.

13141511

in the midst of all this cramming and memorizing and attempting to make things click, i come to a realization. like the satisfying sound of a key turning a lock to open it, the connection in my sense of being is made. you have to be selfless, them before you, their thoughts before yours, their emotions before yours, their needs before yours: self-sacrifice. that is the key to this life. its something ive always known, but its just been pushed to the back of my mind in times like these.when stress is high and logic is almost nonexistent. being the type of people we are meant to be takes a lot of putting yourself at the bottom of the list. whether its loved ones, friends, or more than that...theyre at the top. what you say, how you say it, it all affects them more than you realize. its been on my mind lately, this whole process. so im gonna implement it and see how things go. all in all, it should lead to a more functional way with my relationships. all of them. love all. im going to be positive, show my best friend how much i love her and need her companionship...show him that im devoted, but even more devoted to HIM. and in just that way, that relationship will be just as it should: balanced. HE will be reflected in my every move, action, spoken word. 
college grows you up, ready or not. youre on your own with classes, decisions, everything. you learn to make the best of situations; burnt cookies in a dorm provided oven, baked chicken that takes too long to bake, homemade shepherds pie at 9pm on a saturday night, those little things mean the most. im a complex girl that loves the idea of simples things, simple concepts, theyre the easiest to understand. most everything else i dont, and i surely never will. but thus is life. just the way it should be.

ive come to expect this every tuesday.

i get lost in my own problems and frustrations way too much. if there's one person who i admire the most for being able to do just the opposite, it's my mom. she's always thinking of the way her actions and words will affect others, before just getting them out for her own self satisfaction. im still young, im still learning; you would think though, that after 18 years of living with my mom i could actually take something away from it. the concerns, the problems, the issues, the stress of her loved ones come before her own. it's a characteristic that comes with the territory of being a mom i guess, a wife, a partner in life. you absolutely have to become selfless. i want that. i want to be one of those people that someone can come to and voice their problems, not listen to me rant about my own. i seem to have this uncanny ability to find the bad in something that is so obviously good, no matter how small that bad aspect is, i find ways to magnify it and make it the biggest deal.
take 1:
"how was your lesson today?"
"ohhh my gosh, it was akjgkjlabgjer;tiuothaosifgblahblahhbgkjgBADsobgjsbgjsrgtsoannoying"
take 2:
"how was your lesson today?"
"it was tough, and i got kinda frustrated like usual. but it was still good overall, we got to jump!"

better? much.

i used to consciously try to think about what i say and how it comes off. that got lost among the stress and lab reports and mid terms and practicals and finals and day to day living. but im gonna find it again, im not gonna complain about dumb stuff. why complain about something that is supposed to be good for you? especially when its so minute that it is absolutely not gonna hurt the outcome of the rest of your life. find the good among the bad, let it overcome the negativity.

can you stop being so amazing?

actually dont do that, stay just as you are. its the best feeling that can be. you just know. things are not like they used to be, but you know thats not how they are supposed to be now. things happen just as they should, function just as they need to, just like they are supposed to. its meant to be like this, in the balanced little world we've cultivated. i dont want it to change, because i cant handle it well. but how exactly did we end up like we are now? oh wait, that's right: change. things slowly shifted and slid into place, where they fit. until they change shape again and meld around each other into a new form. im hoping with all that i am that you will still be in that new form, and im fairly confident you will. okay more than just fairly confident, im almost positive. i have all that i could need here, all that i could want, so why worry? its the downfall that infiltrates the good and turns it sour. so shut it out, lock the fortress tight, let nothing in that shouldnt be on the inside.
although most of the time its in our hindsight where we realize the mistakes we've already made.

OKI

i absolutely love that feeling when youre just so carefree, you lose track of time. its a pleasant type of losing. the sun rises and sets, but during the in between time it could be any time at all. spending the day letting the sunshine warm my back, my face, my legs, my mind. cool breezes caressing my body, lulling me into half consciousness. waves in the background, their rhythmic crash, quiet, and then rushing back to the origin. repeating over and over again. spending it with the one(s) you care for the most, sharing those times, it enables a sense of happiness and satisfaction and contentedness nothing else on this earth can match. letting yourself get carried away just once, instincts take over and you just feel, just this once though. never again. i want to go back and just stay there as long as possible. coming back to reality is like a slam back to the cold ground, where the days just fall into a routine of classes, walking, late nights of homework, running until i cant breathe.

riding for the team now makes the barn no more of an escape than this dorm room. i still absolutely love to ride, but when we ride its just work work work work, improve improve, drills, work harder, do better, its not perfect, theres no relaxation involved. thats what i miss the most. being able to to go the barn, take my dandy old time with my own horse, ride through quiet pastures with no companions but the birds chirping and the grass whispering. turning him to gallop, fiery anticipation flowing through me and him, his muscles quivering underneath me, taut and bunched with explosive energy, then letting it go to just run, run, run, away from everything. get lost in the coil and release of his frame, sinew and ligaments and tendons and muscles all working as a single unit. thats what i miss the most. i dont know if ill have that back this summer, but ill sure be glad to be free of these bricks, crowded sidewalks, tall buildings blocking the sky, hordes of people, cramped dorm rooms, this claustrophobia that overwhelms me in this city like atmosphere.

jack johnson, just in time

sitting there in no light but the moonlight, no sound but jack j and talking, laughing about the past, the present, the future; the possibilities. they feel so endless. there seems no end in sight. plans for summer, a free and wonderful summer. ive got that summer fever already. the warm weather, the car rides with the windows down, the loud music blasting, singing every word, the late night walks outside in balmy air, it tripped the latch in my mind that holds it back, its loose now and its not going away. these next two months cannot go by fast enough. i cant wait for summer, to have times just like that night. that was just in time. summer brings about a free and easy nature. easy to just breathe live love life.

full to the rim.

you know that feeling when youre just so content and happy you just sit back and smile to yourself? there is absolutely nothing like it. to just thoroughly enjoy each minute. this weather, this time of year, everything seems to just fall into place. its hard to let little things bother me like they usually do, its a promise of a new future. the past is just that, and there to be learned from. its like these worn bracelets on my wrists; an ever-present reminder worn with time and wear, worn with so many days and nights of constant, of the beach and of sweat, of yearning and trying. the threads have become so thin and frayed, maybe its time to make new ones to take the spots of the old. they're so new and bright and stiff at first, soon though they soften up and start to fade, fitting right in with the rest. feeling just the right weight on my wrist with the rest of the bunch.

be careful, careful with this delicate, new happiness. nurture and let it grow with the right stimulant. keep a close watch, and dont let it turn to something it cant ever possibly be. it seems to come easy now.

cliche.

you can just tell when things are different. they just click, and go together so well you dont know what took so long to actually realize what you have in front of you. its so comfortable. i dont even question the future, things are where they are supposed to be. plans are made and talked about without question or doubt. its an amazing feeling really. being content is a great thing. the confidence is nice, there's no if spoken of, it's only a when. im excited to see what the future holds.

2111

ive made a step forward, a somewhat tentative one, but its still forward. im anxious, but in a good way. i want things to last, to turn out well, to be meaningful. i feel as if they can be that way. its so cliche to say, but it seems so different from anything in the past. im only 18, but those things you viewed so far away as a kid, well theyre not so far away anymore. in 3 and a half years i could be out in the real world, on my own. i still feel so young. i am in a lot of ways, but in others im already growing up. im gonna be cautious with this, monitor every feeling and emotion and occurance. dont let it become something it shouldnt be, dont start making it something its not and never will be. if only we could see the repercussions of our actions ahead of time. like a math equation; what happens if you plug in this number for x? do you get what you need from it? beneficial or not, life doesnt work like that.

goldfish.

i once heard about a lady who, when she got a brand new couch, she just never took the protective plastic covering off of it. she was so paranoid about ruining it that she never got to fully enjoy this brand new couch. yes it sounds pretty silly. but i can apply that to situation(s) in my life at the moment. im so excited about this newness in my life, but im so scared im going to ruin it just by enjoying and experiencing it. you cant live your life like that. i realized a lot recently. and im not going to be like that poor woman, so paranoid and so afraid to take risks. i like to consider myself a bold person, and i like to be on guard, but sometimes im much too guarded in my efforts. and i dont let a single thing past my wall. sometimes its necessary to be vulnerable, risking things is the only way to know if its going to be good or bad. if we dont take risks period, a lot of wonderful things will be missed. take risks, be bold, make decisions, enjoy things, experience things, all within reason of course.

i continue forward with a wake of burned bridges behind me.

this past week has been...just blah. down. totally down. full of pity. silence that has an ever-present tangible feel to it. i want to make things better, but i just dont know how. so much tension. i want things to ease up. they were so right before all of this nothing happened. ive been so happy with the new things coming into my life lately, but things like this just make them dull. im happy in the moment, when im distracted from reality and forgetting what it feels like to feel that disappointment, or anxiousness. what did i do? im not too sure actually, itd be nice if someone could tell me. someone would speak up, realize i really do care, hear my side of things. i keep trying. i really do. its so hard though when its a one-sided effort. i want a balance of things. i just want all these things, but thats not usually how it goes. and i dont deal with change well. ive burned my bridges, so ive come to think.

romans8

romans 8 HAS to be my very favorite book and chapter of the Bible. it's so full of hope and inspiration it just astounds me every time i read it. the words are so profound and just like 'HEY!, you ridiculous people, what in the world are you thinking?' why do we dwell so much on the now? what were going to wear tomorrow, whos dating who, whos mad at who, our grades, our future, our money, when God gave us this earth to enjoy and glorify Him. "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God." [romans8:18-19] those two verses just about sum it up. we wait with eager longing...how many of us can say we wait with eager longing? not too many. were so caught up in our every day lives that we cant just take the time to stop and realize what this life is really about. its not about the cars we drive, its not about the clothes we wear, its not about the grades we earn, its not about the money we make, its not about the politics, i could go on and on for hours about what its not about, but what is it about? Him. get lost in the Word of God, take a look outside at this gorgeous and complex world, and appreciate our time we have. i read this book and i constantly have to remind myself of what its saying.

early mornings.

i do love sleeping in mostly, its so hard to make myself get out of bed before the sun's up. this semester i have a riding lesson at 8:15am every tuesday morning. today was the first one. i was dreading it last night, but after this experience, im glad i have it so early. having a lesson at 8:15 may not sound too too early, but it actually requires waking up around 6:30 in order to be at the barn by a little after 7 and have ample time to groom and tack up.
it was a chilly morning, and no sight of the sun behind thick clouds. walking into the peaceful barn before the hustle and bustle of the day brings about a sense of calm in me. to be the first humans some of the horses greet that day is just special. we walk down the concrete aisle way, boots making that soft tapping sound with every step; some horses glance up from their breakfast to eye us, some keep their noses buried in their grain. others are already done with their grain and rest with sleepy eyes, one leg cocked, ears flopped to the side. the horses still out in the pasture pace, snorting and waiting anxiously to be brought in to eat, their hot breath making rhythmic white puffs in the icy air.

horses, the quiet barn, open fields, the scent of hay, the sound of grain, the soft fur, all these things bring calm to me. its where i can forget about the other troubles or stresses happening in the outside world. a place to get away. i miss my own pony so much. its great to be able to ride wonderful school horses with a top trainer every week, but i just dont feel the same on them. im lacking that deeper, solid, connection that goes to my heart. i can read my pony so well; his personality makes me laugh, it frustrates me, it cheers me up, it melts my heart, it just gets to me like nothing else. that connection with an animal is just so intimate. its a feeling of long understanding and servitude and entrusted emotions. it doesnt go away with distance, it doesnt go away with time, that ache is always, always going to be there. its a place somewhere deep inside me for jazz that, while other horses may temporarily fit, he will be the only one i share that with.

2011-operation clean

a new start...but why do we always start 'fresh' at the new year? im not sure. its like a new page in life i guess. a clean page that is just waiting to be filled with the things that occur.
my new years resolution?
cleanse.
thats it. cleanse myself in every aspect of life. of the bad habits ive got, of my lack of motivation to stay in the Word, of unhealthy foods, of laziness, of roiling emotions, cleanse myself of all things that will bring me down. i used to blog just about every day for these last couple of months. i was letting myself be sucked down into the swirling pit of my feelings and swinging moods. i dont feel that urge to just get it out anymore. ive moved on from the past, and the specific things that caused that. im not drinking anything but water now, its the purest drink there is and i strive toward being pure in God's sight. im going to work hard to stay healthy, when i feel healthy i just feel better all around. im going to find beauty in the world around me that God has created, and thank Him for it. each and every day. im going to bury myself in God's word and learn from it. i want to be able to listen to Him and interpret what God's will really is.
wish me luck, even though that has nothing to do with it.
let this mission commence.