i hope you never read this.

you dont subscribe to my blog, you dont even have a blog, so you probably wont read this.

i dont even know.
im not mad.
but you keep going back and forth. i thought you had changed at least a lil bit from highschool. i dont know, maybe you have. i only talk to you through texts now. i was hopeful.
i still am.
i hope you can still change.
i hope you can experience the amazing power of our Creator, our savior, our alpha omega, the sheer and awesome power of God, like i do.
ive tried to mention it to you. i hope i did ok. i got upset when you did what you did, you just casually told me about it. even though you know i disapprove. in a way, im glad you tell me. but in another, sometimes id rather just not think about it. just shove it to the back of my mind. because what you do is an awful habit to get out of. 'old habits die hard' but i think you can do it.

you dont think of it as anything major. its just casual. it doesnt harm anyone. yeah? i dont think so.
if you dont stop now, the rest of your life could be affected. what are you gonna do with the rest of your life? highschools over. those friends dont really matter. in fact im pretty sure they arent gonna do anything now. the partiers, the popular kids. that doesnt mean anything in the real world. are they really your friends? do they care for you? do you talk to them about real stuff? can you even go to them to talk about real life stuff?
im not one to judge that. you came to me one time and talked. if that shows anything...well.
i hope youre ok.
and i hope that you know that i am here. to talk to. if you want it. because you know that if you ask me something, im gonna give you exactly what i think. straightup. the brutal honest truth.
and sometimes that is exactly what you need.

dear jimmy,

im glad you came to church yesterday.
i dont know if you will read this lol.
but im glad you are coming to church.
its good for you. i said hey to you yesterday hahaha, but i think you thought it was wierd.
and hopefully all preconcieved notions of you will go away for me and the rest of the youth group.
theEND.

satisfaction; never possible in this life

seems to me like these days, no ones ever satisfied with anything. i know im guilty of that for sure. can we not just be happy with what God has given us?
i set my standards so dang high that i set myself up to fail. i can never achieve them by myself. yet i still try, every single day.
im not satisfied with my grades, so i get frustrated, my brain shuts down and i cant function.
im not satisfied with my horse, so i take it out on him. and then i feel guilty about it. since all he did was try his heart out anyways. as i think about it now, i wouldnt trade that son of a gun pony for nothing in this world. he has more heart than anyone or anything i know.


satisfaction; only achieved through God.
thats all there is to it, but why is it so hard for me plus everyone else to grasp?

just have a little faith.

thats what i keep telling myself.
ive got SO much homework and stuff due next week.
God tells us he wont give us more than we can handle. hes pushin me to my limits right now. and its tough. but i think its for a reason. he wants me to depend on HIM to take care of stuff. its not my load to carry all on my shoulders. its my responsibility to get this stuff done, but i dont need to stress or complain or gripe as much as i do.
im so independent and self motivated i guess i tend to think i can do everything myself. im a little prideful yeah, i like to handle things myself. like superwoman. but im not a superhero of any sort.
i just realized that.
i just need to have a little but of faith to make it through.

i want faith like a child Lord,
to bow down at your feet
to come to you, so humbly,
faith like a child.

i want faith like a child Lord,
so innocent, so beautiful,
unknowung of the outside evils,
faith like a child.

i want faith like a child Lord,
to be hugged in your strong arms,
and never to be let go, forever encircled,
faith like a child.

i want faith like a child Lord,
untouched by wordly sins,
only those that the flesh gives, that you take away,
faith like a child.

i want faith like a child Lord,
to be meek and gentle,
to be in your image in everything i do,
faith like a child.

i want faith like a child.

apathy is deadly.

i am crying tears of pure frustration.
anger.
fear.
rage.
complacency.


its just school. but why is it so infuriating? why cant i realize that i could have it a lot worse? why cant i realize that i have it so good to have the mental capacity that i do? why am i so selfish?


im such a negative person. i get frustrated when i cant do something as good as i wanted to. its all i can do these days to get the bare minimum done. and thats not what im used to. not at all.


i probably have the highest self standards of anyone. ever. and when i dont meet em, i feel like a failure. try your hardest to tell me otherwise and ill argue you down until you contradict yourself. its just how i am. its so hard to fight myself. its fighting against my own nature. its the biggest problem i have. its the worst aspect of my sinful nature that i have.


the only hope ive got left is in Christ Himself.

just call me the energizer bunny.

im always doing something.
im always in a time crunch to get somewhere.
always having to rush here, rush there.
getting up super early, going to bed late because of homework.
i cant remember the last time i just sat down and chilled.
or took a nap because i felt like it.
i used to be into all the tv shows, like lost and csi and stuff.
i havent watched them in like a year.
even during the summer, i was always doing something, having to be somewhere.

im physically exhausted. to the point that im making myself sick. my immune system is seriously lacking right now. i woke up this morning with a terrible cold. but i still went to work at the barn at 6:30 am. and i didnt get home until 6:30 pm. im stretched to the limit, weak, physically and mentally rundown. into the ground.

i dont mind doing somethin all the time, it feels strange when i dont.
but when it gets to this point, where i am SO overwhelmed i could bust into tears of frustration at this very minute, its rediculous.
and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it.

mix of emotions.

im so tired, i cant really think that straight.
calculus suckeddd BUTT today.
bio was fun though, my lab partner is hilarioussss. she da bombbb.
ive gotta be at the barn at 6:30 am tomorrow. YAY. not.
horse show tomorrow also. so thats good.
ive got so much homework.
heres my list to do by monday:
1. 45 notecards for research (that should be easy, just tedious)
2. calc test review, lotsss of problems (test on tuesday)
3. read to ch21 in wuthering hieghts, im at ch9.
4. test in ap bio on monday.

doesnt sound like much. buts its freakin hard.

a part of me is sad. the tribe is being torn apart. not by any certain person. our "cabin intimacy", its fading. sadly enough. im not closing doors on anyone. like i said to someone, im as wide open as the grand canyon. and that my friends, is some dang wide open space. i love you guys.

on a happier note, that one guy, that i was sorta kinda not really talkin to at the end of the school year last year, hes changed, for the good. :] it makes me glad for him. he used to be in alllll the wrong crowd and stuff. now that hes at college, he got a new set of friends, better than in highschool, and isnt into that stuff anymore. from what hes told me anyways. that makes me so gladdddd. im excited that he is takin a turn for the good. he claims to be a Christian, but i think he is a lukewarm one. :/ buttt thats where God puts me in, i can witness to him. he respects me, so i think he will listen. pray for guidance for me, and that God will help me know what to say, and that God will change his heart.

theEND

this song.

read these lyrics, digest them, think about them, understand them. understand this is the way we feel.

i think you know what im getting at,
i find it so upsetting that,
the memories you select,
you keep the bad but the good you just forget.

and even though im angry
i can still say,
i know my heart will break the day,
when you peel out and drive away
i cant believe this happened

and all this time i never thought,
that all we had would be all for none...

no, i dont hate you,
dont wanna fight you,
know ill always love you
but right now i just dont like you.

cuz you took this too far, too far.


i tried to move you, but you wouldnt budge
i tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge.
just say goodbye i dont want you regetting that...

mistakes are there to be learned from.

no. i am not mad at you.
im just fed up with the situation.
the lies.
the broken promises.
everything we warned you of, everything we did for you, its wasted.
gone.
taken into no account with simple ignorance.
that night. when everything happened, you promised you wouldnt do this again, youd never talk to him again. did that happen? no. youre entranced by him. youre consumed by him. its not healthy.
2 Corinthians 6:14
"Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?"
its ok to be friends with him. but to say your 'in love'? no. im not down with that. your love cant change him. thats God's work, and His alone.

but this isnt my battle to fight.
im here for you. through it all, i promise. and when i make a promise, i guarentee i will keep it. my work is done. ive tried my best. ill still be praying for you. ill still be here when you need me. but these are your mistakes to make. again. and again. as many times as it takes for you to learn from them.
i just hope that time will come before its too late.

sick.

im sick of it all.
sick of selfishness.
sick of ignorance.
sick of repeated mistakes.
sick of immaturity.
sick of blindness.
sick of teenagers.
sick of drama.
sick of feeling responsible.
sick of getting hurt.
sick of acting.
sick of feeling.
sick of them.
sick of trying.
sick of being sick of it.

:D

Stephen, is this in your front yard...? hahahaha.