i got closure.
exactly what i wanted.
im not hurt.
im not upset.
im laughing.
i still feel like i won.
why? because i am stronger.
its just that simple.
i didnt come out as the coward. i didnt come out as the one who runs away. i stood. in the face of it all. and dealt. i fought. i fought hard. and i didnt go down. i was so close, so close to letting the control go completely. but ive gained it back. ive gained it back and im more powerful than ever.
i feel the opposite of what is expected; empowered.
The end is never the end. A new challenge awaits. A test no man could be prepared for. A new hell he must conquer and destroy. A new level of growth he must confront himself. The machine is the ghost within. This is the journey of the man on the moon.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
and yet they prevail
theres no feelings left. i only admire your strategy; flee.
its so cowardly, yet so effective.
i feel like im going through the motions. im halfway through my last year of highschool, but i dont know how i got here. i wasted two months, waiting. for what? all i got was hurt. ive let a wave of complacency wash over me. making the days just blend together. into grey. the weather doesnt help either; the skys grey, the ground is grey, nothing stands out as a vivid picture in my mind. thats how my memories work; all through pictures. i remember a time, pictures and sounds automatically pull up with it. the highlights of my days are what i remember, they are so vivid and luminous.
the summer was my favorite. everything is always so bright and happy and full of laughter, of bonding, of freedom.
summer is the color of freedom. the crystal blue sky, the green grass as it dulls in the heat, the white sand of beaches, the cerulian turquoise of the ocean, the bright solids of a cotton tshirt in the sun, the orange and yellows and purples and reds of the sunsets, the shape of laughter and happyness and joy.
summer is the taste and smell of freedom. the taste of salty sweat from the intense sun, the briney taste of the ocean air on your tounge, the taste and smell of fresh cut grass in the morning, the sharp scent of chlorine by the pool, the fresh clean scent right after a huge thunderstorm, when its perfectly calm, as if the world has just been washed clean of the heat of summer, of its troubles, of its trying.
its bliss.
im a work in progress, always progressing, always shifting and changing with the days.
its so cowardly, yet so effective.
i feel like im going through the motions. im halfway through my last year of highschool, but i dont know how i got here. i wasted two months, waiting. for what? all i got was hurt. ive let a wave of complacency wash over me. making the days just blend together. into grey. the weather doesnt help either; the skys grey, the ground is grey, nothing stands out as a vivid picture in my mind. thats how my memories work; all through pictures. i remember a time, pictures and sounds automatically pull up with it. the highlights of my days are what i remember, they are so vivid and luminous.
the summer was my favorite. everything is always so bright and happy and full of laughter, of bonding, of freedom.
summer is the color of freedom. the crystal blue sky, the green grass as it dulls in the heat, the white sand of beaches, the cerulian turquoise of the ocean, the bright solids of a cotton tshirt in the sun, the orange and yellows and purples and reds of the sunsets, the shape of laughter and happyness and joy.
summer is the taste and smell of freedom. the taste of salty sweat from the intense sun, the briney taste of the ocean air on your tounge, the taste and smell of fresh cut grass in the morning, the sharp scent of chlorine by the pool, the fresh clean scent right after a huge thunderstorm, when its perfectly calm, as if the world has just been washed clean of the heat of summer, of its troubles, of its trying.
its bliss.
im a work in progress, always progressing, always shifting and changing with the days.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
its a given
i have the uncanny ability to open up my own can of worms;
im the cause, im the culprit. i try to win, but i always fail.
im disgusted with myself.
im disgusted with the apathy of others.
im sorry i ever asked.
im sorry i ever brought it up.
im sorry for being sorry. i hate that i feel that way.
its a joke, something to be rid of.
something that is gross, annoying, in the way.
im kicking myself now.
but then im running, far. as fast as i can. i dont want to see.
i want to be numb to it. let nothing through. feel nothing in that regard.
but alas. i am not so great at that. it comes with practice i guess.
im the cause, im the culprit. i try to win, but i always fail.
im disgusted with myself.
im disgusted with the apathy of others.
im sorry i ever asked.
im sorry i ever brought it up.
im sorry for being sorry. i hate that i feel that way.
its a joke, something to be rid of.
something that is gross, annoying, in the way.
im kicking myself now.
but then im running, far. as fast as i can. i dont want to see.
i want to be numb to it. let nothing through. feel nothing in that regard.
but alas. i am not so great at that. it comes with practice i guess.
Friday, December 11, 2009
ugh;
i cant stand cowards: face it
i cant stand lack of commitment: you shall go no where
i cant stand flaky people: stand solid in what you say and do
i cant stand immaturity and perversion: we are in highschool for crying out loud
i cant stand disrepect to my things: its my stuff, i lend it to you, i expect you to take care of it
i like solidity. i need a solid. i need for things to be either yes or no, do or dont, not hanging halfway in the air. you commit or you dont. its not like those cartoons, where the guy jumps off a cliff and is suspended in the air for a while before he falls; no, it doesnt work like that. gravity comes in to play, reality slams you down. shades of grey in certain areas...dont work for me.
this is selfish. but a lot of times, the downfalls of others are what make me irritated, frustrated. i usually have the motivation, the willpower, to overcome the mind part of it, its next to impossible for me to understand or comprehend how others dont.
i cant stand lack of commitment: you shall go no where
i cant stand flaky people: stand solid in what you say and do
i cant stand immaturity and perversion: we are in highschool for crying out loud
i cant stand disrepect to my things: its my stuff, i lend it to you, i expect you to take care of it
i like solidity. i need a solid. i need for things to be either yes or no, do or dont, not hanging halfway in the air. you commit or you dont. its not like those cartoons, where the guy jumps off a cliff and is suspended in the air for a while before he falls; no, it doesnt work like that. gravity comes in to play, reality slams you down. shades of grey in certain areas...dont work for me.
this is selfish. but a lot of times, the downfalls of others are what make me irritated, frustrated. i usually have the motivation, the willpower, to overcome the mind part of it, its next to impossible for me to understand or comprehend how others dont.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
its going good
this week.
has been good so far.
youth was quite excellent, i really got a lot out of it.
and ive come to a lot of realizations lately.
like Paul was struggling with in Romans; i knew what i was doing, i knew what i needed to fix but didnt have the ability to do so. pushed it to the back of my mind and just hoped it would right itself. well now that ive come to face these things, its not that bad of a battle. especially with God beside me, fighting for me.
ill post more tomorrow, when its not late.
i am at peace. and it feels very, very good.
has been good so far.
youth was quite excellent, i really got a lot out of it.
and ive come to a lot of realizations lately.
like Paul was struggling with in Romans; i knew what i was doing, i knew what i needed to fix but didnt have the ability to do so. pushed it to the back of my mind and just hoped it would right itself. well now that ive come to face these things, its not that bad of a battle. especially with God beside me, fighting for me.
ill post more tomorrow, when its not late.
i am at peace. and it feels very, very good.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
its about time...
for you to man up. face whats coming. whats already come. and smacked you in the face.
you just wince and turn the other way, trying to pretend like its not something you have to worry about. like its not your problem. too bad it is. its my problem, its your problem.
ive tried to solve it. ive given you the tools you need to try to also, but you just dont. in all honesty, that is very saddening to me. ive done all i feel like i should. i used to care a lot. now, not so much.
seems like you dont care in the least bit, like you never did. you dont care about anything thats happened. my feelings. my emotions. my reactions. me.
you dont care about what this did to me.
did. as in the past.
in a sense, ive moved on. put it behind me. in another, i have not. its still tender. but i face it. unlike you. and i beat it down. i overcome it. i do not let this overpower me. ive learned to fight this with fight.
you just run away. sprint in the opposite direction, thinking that if you get far enough away, itll never catch up with you again. youll just forget all this ever happened. you hope you can make yourself forget. you just block it out of your mind completely, burying yourself in your stupid sports, your other life that has no remnants of me.
you say you have no time,
but i say thats just another excuse.
i fight this battle every day. this thing im feeling, its a lasting emotion, a powerful one. its unpredictable. i never know how strong it will be when it hits me. thats why im always ready, for however it might affect me. maybe im prideful. but i refuse to cower in shame and just wallow, just let it do whatever it may do. i have the best weapons though. they come from the Alpha and Omega. the one true God. thanks to Him, i have quite the powerful steel wall surrounding my territory. next to nothing gets through it anymore.
im stronger than you, in every single way possible.
so this is my farewell...no, this is my last stand. this is the last effort im putting into saving you. trying to help you understand, trying to help you face it. but when you dont cooperate, is there really a point? i dont see one. so. good luck. in your run away from this. i can only hope that you are stopped before its too late to turn back.
you just wince and turn the other way, trying to pretend like its not something you have to worry about. like its not your problem. too bad it is. its my problem, its your problem.
ive tried to solve it. ive given you the tools you need to try to also, but you just dont. in all honesty, that is very saddening to me. ive done all i feel like i should. i used to care a lot. now, not so much.
seems like you dont care in the least bit, like you never did. you dont care about anything thats happened. my feelings. my emotions. my reactions. me.
you dont care about what this did to me.
did. as in the past.
in a sense, ive moved on. put it behind me. in another, i have not. its still tender. but i face it. unlike you. and i beat it down. i overcome it. i do not let this overpower me. ive learned to fight this with fight.
you just run away. sprint in the opposite direction, thinking that if you get far enough away, itll never catch up with you again. youll just forget all this ever happened. you hope you can make yourself forget. you just block it out of your mind completely, burying yourself in your stupid sports, your other life that has no remnants of me.
you say you have no time,
but i say thats just another excuse.
i fight this battle every day. this thing im feeling, its a lasting emotion, a powerful one. its unpredictable. i never know how strong it will be when it hits me. thats why im always ready, for however it might affect me. maybe im prideful. but i refuse to cower in shame and just wallow, just let it do whatever it may do. i have the best weapons though. they come from the Alpha and Omega. the one true God. thanks to Him, i have quite the powerful steel wall surrounding my territory. next to nothing gets through it anymore.
im stronger than you, in every single way possible.
so this is my farewell...no, this is my last stand. this is the last effort im putting into saving you. trying to help you understand, trying to help you face it. but when you dont cooperate, is there really a point? i dont see one. so. good luck. in your run away from this. i can only hope that you are stopped before its too late to turn back.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
in the theme of thanksgiving...
dear erica, :]
im pretty sure you are basically the best friend i could ever ask for. we are much much closer than friends; youre the sister i never had. although i dont even know if sisters could be as close as us. you are alwayssss there for me. in my time of sorrow, sickness, happiness, anger. you name it, youre there. you keep my head on straight and give me advice that comes from a soul beyond your years. you help me in my walk with Christ. you strengthen me as a Christian, and help me to strengthen my confidence in myself as well. i firmly believe that God put you in my life with a driven prupose. a purpose that consists of many good times, and some bad times. glorious laughing times, and times where the tears flow. serious talking times, and insane times. we have more inside jokes than our government has awful stupid reform ideas. we have more memories than obama has fans. our friendship is tighter than the joe-bros pants. :DDD i cant describe how much your friendship means to me.
lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove, CC
im pretty sure you are basically the best friend i could ever ask for. we are much much closer than friends; youre the sister i never had. although i dont even know if sisters could be as close as us. you are alwayssss there for me. in my time of sorrow, sickness, happiness, anger. you name it, youre there. you keep my head on straight and give me advice that comes from a soul beyond your years. you help me in my walk with Christ. you strengthen me as a Christian, and help me to strengthen my confidence in myself as well. i firmly believe that God put you in my life with a driven prupose. a purpose that consists of many good times, and some bad times. glorious laughing times, and times where the tears flow. serious talking times, and insane times. we have more inside jokes than our government has awful stupid reform ideas. we have more memories than obama has fans. our friendship is tighter than the joe-bros pants. :DDD i cant describe how much your friendship means to me.
lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove, CC
Thursday, November 19, 2009
it takes a lot to not care at all.
apathy;
its how you live. do you know that?
do you know what youve done?
the effects your actions leave are impacting more than you could ever imagine.
youre lack of feeling, or regard for anyone besides yourself.
you live in yourself.
i cant stand watching this waste away. withering. dying with the coming winter.
im trying to help it live again. but to no avail.
my efforts dont matter, the apathy deadens them. supresses them, blocks them out, they dont exist.
at least not in your mind. youre stuck on what you think. what you feel. what you want.
the rest is up to you.
its how you live. do you know that?
do you know what youve done?
the effects your actions leave are impacting more than you could ever imagine.
youre lack of feeling, or regard for anyone besides yourself.
you live in yourself.
i cant stand watching this waste away. withering. dying with the coming winter.
im trying to help it live again. but to no avail.
my efforts dont matter, the apathy deadens them. supresses them, blocks them out, they dont exist.
at least not in your mind. youre stuck on what you think. what you feel. what you want.
the rest is up to you.
Monday, November 16, 2009
he makes me so happy...
my pony that is! :D
hes so cute and adorable and i almost forgot just how much i love him. he has so much heart, he always tries his best for what i ask of him. even when its more than he is capable of.
jazzy is this little compact guy that tries to be soooo tough and act like he doesn't have any feelings. he has this super hard exterior, but hes so soft on the inside. but then he gives in when you scratch his ears or just love on him. his eyes get all soft and he lowers his head so you can get the exactttt right spot to scratch. he will put up with anything i do. 
i get so frustrated with him sometimes, because he is such a difficult horse to ride with his wierd jumping style. but we are improving! when i do get frustrated, he gets frustrated too. he doesn't understand why i get so mad when he is trying his hardest. but then after everythings over and my anger subsides, he still forgives me. i can see it. he will hang his head like he has done something wrong, and then when i just hug him he instantly seems happier.
after owning him for about 8 years now, ive developed such a close bond with him. ive got him allllll figured out. like you cant even imagine. i can tell when hes happy. i can tell when hes sad. i can tell what he is feeling, right then and there. i know this horse inside and out. he basically knows me the same way. he is like one of those people that you rarely ever see a smile or words of approval from. so when you do get that special moment, you value it that much more. its so meaningful. 
i love this horse so much and nothing can change that. he will be with me forever.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
im stronger than you
im stronger than you: ive got the love of Christ.
im stronger than you: ive got the love of my friends and family.
im stronger than you: ive got the support of my friends and family.
im stronger than you: ive got the willpower.
im stronger than you: ive got the mental strength.
im stronger than you: ive got the perseverance.
im stronger than you: ive got the ability to move on.
im stronger than you: ive got the stamina to keep going.
im stronger than you: ive got the strength. the power. the love.
youre controlling me;
and you dont even know it.
im learning to be staisfied in the love of Christ.
im learning to gaurd my heart.
im learning sososo much from this occurance.
its taken so much heart and strength and willpower to do this.
its taken the words of others to convince me.
i owe it all to Jesus Christ, for convicting me,
and now. that i have made these realizations, im ready.
for anything.
im stronger than you: ive got the love of my friends and family.
im stronger than you: ive got the support of my friends and family.
im stronger than you: ive got the willpower.
im stronger than you: ive got the mental strength.
im stronger than you: ive got the perseverance.
im stronger than you: ive got the ability to move on.
im stronger than you: ive got the stamina to keep going.
im stronger than you: ive got the strength. the power. the love.
youre controlling me;
and you dont even know it.
im learning to be staisfied in the love of Christ.
im learning to gaurd my heart.
im learning sososo much from this occurance.
its taken so much heart and strength and willpower to do this.
its taken the words of others to convince me.
i owe it all to Jesus Christ, for convicting me,
and now. that i have made these realizations, im ready.
for anything.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
i thought they were gone
nope. not over it. not yet.
thought i was. thought i was strong enough to not let this happen. this is the reason im so guarded with it, never let it get to exposed, too close. im a solid wall on the outside, the inside is so sensitive though. when i feel things, i feel them hard. i love hard. too hard? possibly. i fall hard. i fall fast. i try and recover fast. only way to accomplish that...dont think. think of anything but feelings. itll go away eventually...eventually can be a long time.
every single time i even glance; i lose my breath, my heart starts beating fast, and i realize i dont want it to be over yet. im not ready to let go. not ready to move on.
it felt faded, past tense.
now its real. and raw. and alive. and still fresh.
and i dont know how to stop it.
this might be read. but this might not be acknowledged for what its truly about. i may be too vague. if its true though, these words can be decoded and fully understood. can be taken into consideration. to heart, to the core. and affect and be affected.
thought i was. thought i was strong enough to not let this happen. this is the reason im so guarded with it, never let it get to exposed, too close. im a solid wall on the outside, the inside is so sensitive though. when i feel things, i feel them hard. i love hard. too hard? possibly. i fall hard. i fall fast. i try and recover fast. only way to accomplish that...dont think. think of anything but feelings. itll go away eventually...eventually can be a long time.
every single time i even glance; i lose my breath, my heart starts beating fast, and i realize i dont want it to be over yet. im not ready to let go. not ready to move on.
it felt faded, past tense.
now its real. and raw. and alive. and still fresh.
and i dont know how to stop it.
this might be read. but this might not be acknowledged for what its truly about. i may be too vague. if its true though, these words can be decoded and fully understood. can be taken into consideration. to heart, to the core. and affect and be affected.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
what couldve been, what shouldve been.
it happened the way it happened.
i tried. too hard it seems to be.
do you care? i honestly dont know.
do you want it to be? i couldnt be sure.
do you know how i feel? you say you do.
do you feel the same way? i cant ever tell.
am i over it? i cant say. because i really dont even know.
the beginning gave me hope. gave me a fresh perspective. a breath of fresh air.
i get too attatched to fast. built up my hopes too soon, based only on what i knew and felt at the time.
it doesn't matter though, im neutral to this. no feeling really.
so know, if you ever find time in your busy life for me, well. im here.
i tried. too hard it seems to be.
do you care? i honestly dont know.
do you want it to be? i couldnt be sure.
do you know how i feel? you say you do.
do you feel the same way? i cant ever tell.
am i over it? i cant say. because i really dont even know.
the beginning gave me hope. gave me a fresh perspective. a breath of fresh air.
i get too attatched to fast. built up my hopes too soon, based only on what i knew and felt at the time.
it doesn't matter though, im neutral to this. no feeling really.
so know, if you ever find time in your busy life for me, well. im here.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
i've seen God's country.
despite our ever growing civilization, God saved some amazing pieces of this world he created to stay remote and untouched by human hand.
thanks to my outdoor loving family, ive been to a lot of these amazing places.
yellowstone
the grand canyon
the grand tetons
looking glass rock
mesa verde
pisgah national forest
just to name a few.
the shameless display of God's amazing glory simply takes my breath away.
hiking 3 or 4 miles one way seems like an issue. but once you reach the destination, all complaints and aches fall away.
your breath stops coming as you survey what a truly wonderful, amazing, loving God we have.
i am so blessed to witness what he has created.
so many people take this world for granted. the simple pleasures in life disappear as our lives take over.
slowing down, enjoying what God has created, well it's good medicine for the soul.
thanks to my outdoor loving family, ive been to a lot of these amazing places.
yellowstone
the grand canyon
the grand tetons
looking glass rock
mesa verde
pisgah national forest
just to name a few.
the shameless display of God's amazing glory simply takes my breath away.
hiking 3 or 4 miles one way seems like an issue. but once you reach the destination, all complaints and aches fall away.
your breath stops coming as you survey what a truly wonderful, amazing, loving God we have.
i am so blessed to witness what he has created.
so many people take this world for granted. the simple pleasures in life disappear as our lives take over.
slowing down, enjoying what God has created, well it's good medicine for the soul.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
ohhh to sound dramatic
i think i live in the past, reminiscing of all the amazing memories ive had. wishing i could live in them now, such joyous, carefee, summer times.
the future is bold. the future is frightening. the future is coming, whether im ready or not.
im far too afraid to contemplate the future.
i guess the good thing is, that since i dwell on the past so much, i see what ive done wrong. where ive messed things up. i do my best not to let them happen again.
im scared of college, of leaving my home. my friends. my youth group. im too attatched. my emotions and feelings are intertwined with everyone here's; leaving is gonna stretch me to the max.
i cant stand to think about this time next year.
the future is bold. the future is frightening. the future is coming, whether im ready or not.
im far too afraid to contemplate the future.
i guess the good thing is, that since i dwell on the past so much, i see what ive done wrong. where ive messed things up. i do my best not to let them happen again.
im scared of college, of leaving my home. my friends. my youth group. im too attatched. my emotions and feelings are intertwined with everyone here's; leaving is gonna stretch me to the max.
i cant stand to think about this time next year.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
as i sit here...
i realize two weekends ago was absolutely amazing.
i realize i suckkkk at writing papers.
i realize im a procrastinator.
i wish i was outside. instead of stuck on this dang computer. its been about 3 hours.
the sun is shining, displaying God's glory at its greatest.
i realize i suckkkk at writing papers.
i realize im a procrastinator.
i wish i was outside. instead of stuck on this dang computer. its been about 3 hours.
the sun is shining, displaying God's glory at its greatest.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
notimenotimenotime
i just love to hear this kind of crap every day.
i complain and gripe too much.
im a negative person.
i have no right to put up a fit.
i dont care about anything.
i never understand anything.
suck it up.
"if i didnt know you better cecelia, id say you were on drugs"
HAH. too bad im notttt. too bad thats the easy way out. too bad i dont ever take the easy way out. too bad i try my hardest and still get reprimanded. too bad no one knows that. too bad you dont know that...
i complain and gripe too much.
im a negative person.
i have no right to put up a fit.
i dont care about anything.
i never understand anything.
suck it up.
"if i didnt know you better cecelia, id say you were on drugs"
HAH. too bad im notttt. too bad thats the easy way out. too bad i dont ever take the easy way out. too bad i try my hardest and still get reprimanded. too bad no one knows that. too bad you dont know that...
Thursday, October 8, 2009
change.
lifes changing.
but in a good way.
i usually dont handle change well.
but this time, its different.
and i cant wait.
but in a good way.
i usually dont handle change well.
but this time, its different.
and i cant wait.
lsjkadghlsdjkbgaljdf
my ipod is full. of music. to the max. i have 1372 songs. only about 300 of em are mine, ahaha thank youuuu stephen. :]
i love my youth group i love my youth group i love my youth group i love my youth group i love my youth group i love my youth group i love my youth group i love my youth group i love my youth group i love my youth group i love my youth group i love my youth group i love my youth group i love my youth group.
i enjoy goin to see the old people at the nursing home, they are the best. the simplicity of their lives, how they can be happy just being there. just seeing us and talking to us makes them so happy. i love their names too, their old fashioned names. mabel, nell, bernice. theyre all so great :] the couples are my favorite, "yes weve been married for 50odd, 60odd years." AMAZING. i cant wait to go back.
i love my youth group i love my youth group i love my youth group i love my youth group i love my youth group i love my youth group i love my youth group i love my youth group i love my youth group i love my youth group i love my youth group i love my youth group i love my youth group i love my youth group.
i enjoy goin to see the old people at the nursing home, they are the best. the simplicity of their lives, how they can be happy just being there. just seeing us and talking to us makes them so happy. i love their names too, their old fashioned names. mabel, nell, bernice. theyre all so great :] the couples are my favorite, "yes weve been married for 50odd, 60odd years." AMAZING. i cant wait to go back.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
children, children.
lets all act like little children, running away in our anger, burying ourselves in it. forgetting why theres anger in the first place, yet still holding on to it. never forgiving completely.
i just wanna go curl up and pretend nothing happened. that everythings ok. cant we just go back to normal, like before. it was oh so good.
i just wanna go curl up and pretend nothing happened. that everythings ok. cant we just go back to normal, like before. it was oh so good.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
i hope you never read this.
you dont subscribe to my blog, you dont even have a blog, so you probably wont read this.
i dont even know.
im not mad.
but you keep going back and forth. i thought you had changed at least a lil bit from highschool. i dont know, maybe you have. i only talk to you through texts now. i was hopeful.
i still am.
i hope you can still change.
i hope you can experience the amazing power of our Creator, our savior, our alpha omega, the sheer and awesome power of God, like i do.
ive tried to mention it to you. i hope i did ok. i got upset when you did what you did, you just casually told me about it. even though you know i disapprove. in a way, im glad you tell me. but in another, sometimes id rather just not think about it. just shove it to the back of my mind. because what you do is an awful habit to get out of. 'old habits die hard' but i think you can do it.
you dont think of it as anything major. its just casual. it doesnt harm anyone. yeah? i dont think so.
if you dont stop now, the rest of your life could be affected. what are you gonna do with the rest of your life? highschools over. those friends dont really matter. in fact im pretty sure they arent gonna do anything now. the partiers, the popular kids. that doesnt mean anything in the real world. are they really your friends? do they care for you? do you talk to them about real stuff? can you even go to them to talk about real life stuff?
im not one to judge that. you came to me one time and talked. if that shows anything...well.
i hope youre ok.
and i hope that you know that i am here. to talk to. if you want it. because you know that if you ask me something, im gonna give you exactly what i think. straightup. the brutal honest truth.
and sometimes that is exactly what you need.
i dont even know.
im not mad.
but you keep going back and forth. i thought you had changed at least a lil bit from highschool. i dont know, maybe you have. i only talk to you through texts now. i was hopeful.
i still am.
i hope you can still change.
i hope you can experience the amazing power of our Creator, our savior, our alpha omega, the sheer and awesome power of God, like i do.
ive tried to mention it to you. i hope i did ok. i got upset when you did what you did, you just casually told me about it. even though you know i disapprove. in a way, im glad you tell me. but in another, sometimes id rather just not think about it. just shove it to the back of my mind. because what you do is an awful habit to get out of. 'old habits die hard' but i think you can do it.
you dont think of it as anything major. its just casual. it doesnt harm anyone. yeah? i dont think so.
if you dont stop now, the rest of your life could be affected. what are you gonna do with the rest of your life? highschools over. those friends dont really matter. in fact im pretty sure they arent gonna do anything now. the partiers, the popular kids. that doesnt mean anything in the real world. are they really your friends? do they care for you? do you talk to them about real stuff? can you even go to them to talk about real life stuff?
im not one to judge that. you came to me one time and talked. if that shows anything...well.
i hope youre ok.
and i hope that you know that i am here. to talk to. if you want it. because you know that if you ask me something, im gonna give you exactly what i think. straightup. the brutal honest truth.
and sometimes that is exactly what you need.
Monday, September 21, 2009
dear jimmy,
im glad you came to church yesterday.
i dont know if you will read this lol.
but im glad you are coming to church.
its good for you. i said hey to you yesterday hahaha, but i think you thought it was wierd.
and hopefully all preconcieved notions of you will go away for me and the rest of the youth group.
theEND.
i dont know if you will read this lol.
but im glad you are coming to church.
its good for you. i said hey to you yesterday hahaha, but i think you thought it was wierd.
and hopefully all preconcieved notions of you will go away for me and the rest of the youth group.
theEND.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
satisfaction; never possible in this life
seems to me like these days, no ones ever satisfied with anything. i know im guilty of that for sure. can we not just be happy with what God has given us?
i set my standards so dang high that i set myself up to fail. i can never achieve them by myself. yet i still try, every single day.
im not satisfied with my grades, so i get frustrated, my brain shuts down and i cant function.
im not satisfied with my horse, so i take it out on him. and then i feel guilty about it. since all he did was try his heart out anyways. as i think about it now, i wouldnt trade that son of a gun pony for nothing in this world. he has more heart than anyone or anything i know.
satisfaction; only achieved through God.
thats all there is to it, but why is it so hard for me plus everyone else to grasp?
i set my standards so dang high that i set myself up to fail. i can never achieve them by myself. yet i still try, every single day.
im not satisfied with my grades, so i get frustrated, my brain shuts down and i cant function.
im not satisfied with my horse, so i take it out on him. and then i feel guilty about it. since all he did was try his heart out anyways. as i think about it now, i wouldnt trade that son of a gun pony for nothing in this world. he has more heart than anyone or anything i know.
satisfaction; only achieved through God.
thats all there is to it, but why is it so hard for me plus everyone else to grasp?
Thursday, September 17, 2009
just have a little faith.
thats what i keep telling myself.
ive got SO much homework and stuff due next week.
God tells us he wont give us more than we can handle. hes pushin me to my limits right now. and its tough. but i think its for a reason. he wants me to depend on HIM to take care of stuff. its not my load to carry all on my shoulders. its my responsibility to get this stuff done, but i dont need to stress or complain or gripe as much as i do.
im so independent and self motivated i guess i tend to think i can do everything myself. im a little prideful yeah, i like to handle things myself. like superwoman. but im not a superhero of any sort.
i just realized that.
i just need to have a little but of faith to make it through.
i want faith like a child Lord,
to bow down at your feet
to come to you, so humbly,
faith like a child.
i want faith like a child Lord,
so innocent, so beautiful,
unknowung of the outside evils,
faith like a child.
i want faith like a child Lord,
to be hugged in your strong arms,
and never to be let go, forever encircled,
faith like a child.
i want faith like a child Lord,
untouched by wordly sins,
only those that the flesh gives, that you take away,
faith like a child.
i want faith like a child Lord,
to be meek and gentle,
to be in your image in everything i do,
faith like a child.
i want faith like a child.
ive got SO much homework and stuff due next week.
God tells us he wont give us more than we can handle. hes pushin me to my limits right now. and its tough. but i think its for a reason. he wants me to depend on HIM to take care of stuff. its not my load to carry all on my shoulders. its my responsibility to get this stuff done, but i dont need to stress or complain or gripe as much as i do.
im so independent and self motivated i guess i tend to think i can do everything myself. im a little prideful yeah, i like to handle things myself. like superwoman. but im not a superhero of any sort.
i just realized that.
i just need to have a little but of faith to make it through.
i want faith like a child Lord,
to bow down at your feet
to come to you, so humbly,
faith like a child.
i want faith like a child Lord,
so innocent, so beautiful,
unknowung of the outside evils,
faith like a child.
i want faith like a child Lord,
to be hugged in your strong arms,
and never to be let go, forever encircled,
faith like a child.
i want faith like a child Lord,
untouched by wordly sins,
only those that the flesh gives, that you take away,
faith like a child.
i want faith like a child Lord,
to be meek and gentle,
to be in your image in everything i do,
faith like a child.
i want faith like a child.
Monday, September 14, 2009
apathy is deadly.
i am crying tears of pure frustration.
anger.
fear.
rage.
complacency.
its just school. but why is it so infuriating? why cant i realize that i could have it a lot worse? why cant i realize that i have it so good to have the mental capacity that i do? why am i so selfish?
im such a negative person. i get frustrated when i cant do something as good as i wanted to. its all i can do these days to get the bare minimum done. and thats not what im used to. not at all.
i probably have the highest self standards of anyone. ever. and when i dont meet em, i feel like a failure. try your hardest to tell me otherwise and ill argue you down until you contradict yourself. its just how i am. its so hard to fight myself. its fighting against my own nature. its the biggest problem i have. its the worst aspect of my sinful nature that i have.
the only hope ive got left is in Christ Himself.
anger.
fear.
rage.
complacency.
its just school. but why is it so infuriating? why cant i realize that i could have it a lot worse? why cant i realize that i have it so good to have the mental capacity that i do? why am i so selfish?
im such a negative person. i get frustrated when i cant do something as good as i wanted to. its all i can do these days to get the bare minimum done. and thats not what im used to. not at all.
i probably have the highest self standards of anyone. ever. and when i dont meet em, i feel like a failure. try your hardest to tell me otherwise and ill argue you down until you contradict yourself. its just how i am. its so hard to fight myself. its fighting against my own nature. its the biggest problem i have. its the worst aspect of my sinful nature that i have.
the only hope ive got left is in Christ Himself.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
just call me the energizer bunny.
im always doing something.
im always in a time crunch to get somewhere.
always having to rush here, rush there.
getting up super early, going to bed late because of homework.
i cant remember the last time i just sat down and chilled.
or took a nap because i felt like it.
i used to be into all the tv shows, like lost and csi and stuff.
i havent watched them in like a year.
even during the summer, i was always doing something, having to be somewhere.
im physically exhausted. to the point that im making myself sick. my immune system is seriously lacking right now. i woke up this morning with a terrible cold. but i still went to work at the barn at 6:30 am. and i didnt get home until 6:30 pm. im stretched to the limit, weak, physically and mentally rundown. into the ground.
i dont mind doing somethin all the time, it feels strange when i dont.
but when it gets to this point, where i am SO overwhelmed i could bust into tears of frustration at this very minute, its rediculous.
and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it.
im always in a time crunch to get somewhere.
always having to rush here, rush there.
getting up super early, going to bed late because of homework.
i cant remember the last time i just sat down and chilled.
or took a nap because i felt like it.
i used to be into all the tv shows, like lost and csi and stuff.
i havent watched them in like a year.
even during the summer, i was always doing something, having to be somewhere.
im physically exhausted. to the point that im making myself sick. my immune system is seriously lacking right now. i woke up this morning with a terrible cold. but i still went to work at the barn at 6:30 am. and i didnt get home until 6:30 pm. im stretched to the limit, weak, physically and mentally rundown. into the ground.
i dont mind doing somethin all the time, it feels strange when i dont.
but when it gets to this point, where i am SO overwhelmed i could bust into tears of frustration at this very minute, its rediculous.
and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it.
Friday, September 11, 2009
mix of emotions.
im so tired, i cant really think that straight.
calculus suckeddd BUTT today.
bio was fun though, my lab partner is hilarioussss. she da bombbb.
ive gotta be at the barn at 6:30 am tomorrow. YAY. not.
horse show tomorrow also. so thats good.
ive got so much homework.
heres my list to do by monday:
1. 45 notecards for research (that should be easy, just tedious)
2. calc test review, lotsss of problems (test on tuesday)
3. read to ch21 in wuthering hieghts, im at ch9.
4. test in ap bio on monday.
doesnt sound like much. buts its freakin hard.
a part of me is sad. the tribe is being torn apart. not by any certain person. our "cabin intimacy", its fading. sadly enough. im not closing doors on anyone. like i said to someone, im as wide open as the grand canyon. and that my friends, is some dang wide open space. i love you guys.
on a happier note, that one guy, that i was sorta kinda not really talkin to at the end of the school year last year, hes changed, for the good. :] it makes me glad for him. he used to be in alllll the wrong crowd and stuff. now that hes at college, he got a new set of friends, better than in highschool, and isnt into that stuff anymore. from what hes told me anyways. that makes me so gladdddd. im excited that he is takin a turn for the good. he claims to be a Christian, but i think he is a lukewarm one. :/ buttt thats where God puts me in, i can witness to him. he respects me, so i think he will listen. pray for guidance for me, and that God will help me know what to say, and that God will change his heart.
theEND
calculus suckeddd BUTT today.
bio was fun though, my lab partner is hilarioussss. she da bombbb.
ive gotta be at the barn at 6:30 am tomorrow. YAY. not.
horse show tomorrow also. so thats good.
ive got so much homework.
heres my list to do by monday:
1. 45 notecards for research (that should be easy, just tedious)
2. calc test review, lotsss of problems (test on tuesday)
3. read to ch21 in wuthering hieghts, im at ch9.
4. test in ap bio on monday.
doesnt sound like much. buts its freakin hard.
a part of me is sad. the tribe is being torn apart. not by any certain person. our "cabin intimacy", its fading. sadly enough. im not closing doors on anyone. like i said to someone, im as wide open as the grand canyon. and that my friends, is some dang wide open space. i love you guys.
on a happier note, that one guy, that i was sorta kinda not really talkin to at the end of the school year last year, hes changed, for the good. :] it makes me glad for him. he used to be in alllll the wrong crowd and stuff. now that hes at college, he got a new set of friends, better than in highschool, and isnt into that stuff anymore. from what hes told me anyways. that makes me so gladdddd. im excited that he is takin a turn for the good. he claims to be a Christian, but i think he is a lukewarm one. :/ buttt thats where God puts me in, i can witness to him. he respects me, so i think he will listen. pray for guidance for me, and that God will help me know what to say, and that God will change his heart.
theEND
Thursday, September 10, 2009
this song.
read these lyrics, digest them, think about them, understand them. understand this is the way we feel.
i think you know what im getting at,
i find it so upsetting that,
the memories you select,
you keep the bad but the good you just forget.
and even though im angry
i can still say,
i know my heart will break the day,
when you peel out and drive away
i cant believe this happened
and all this time i never thought,
that all we had would be all for none...
no, i dont hate you,
dont wanna fight you,
know ill always love you
but right now i just dont like you.
cuz you took this too far, too far.
i tried to move you, but you wouldnt budge
i tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge.
just say goodbye i dont want you regetting that...
i think you know what im getting at,
i find it so upsetting that,
the memories you select,
you keep the bad but the good you just forget.
and even though im angry
i can still say,
i know my heart will break the day,
when you peel out and drive away
i cant believe this happened
and all this time i never thought,
that all we had would be all for none...
no, i dont hate you,
dont wanna fight you,
know ill always love you
but right now i just dont like you.
cuz you took this too far, too far.
i tried to move you, but you wouldnt budge
i tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge.
just say goodbye i dont want you regetting that...
mistakes are there to be learned from.
no. i am not mad at you.
im just fed up with the situation.
the lies.
the broken promises.
everything we warned you of, everything we did for you, its wasted.
gone.
taken into no account with simple ignorance.
that night. when everything happened, you promised you wouldnt do this again, youd never talk to him again. did that happen? no. youre entranced by him. youre consumed by him. its not healthy.
2 Corinthians 6:14
"Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?"
its ok to be friends with him. but to say your 'in love'? no. im not down with that. your love cant change him. thats God's work, and His alone.
but this isnt my battle to fight.
im here for you. through it all, i promise. and when i make a promise, i guarentee i will keep it. my work is done. ive tried my best. ill still be praying for you. ill still be here when you need me. but these are your mistakes to make. again. and again. as many times as it takes for you to learn from them.
i just hope that time will come before its too late.
im just fed up with the situation.
the lies.
the broken promises.
everything we warned you of, everything we did for you, its wasted.
gone.
taken into no account with simple ignorance.
that night. when everything happened, you promised you wouldnt do this again, youd never talk to him again. did that happen? no. youre entranced by him. youre consumed by him. its not healthy.
2 Corinthians 6:14
"Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?"
its ok to be friends with him. but to say your 'in love'? no. im not down with that. your love cant change him. thats God's work, and His alone.
but this isnt my battle to fight.
im here for you. through it all, i promise. and when i make a promise, i guarentee i will keep it. my work is done. ive tried my best. ill still be praying for you. ill still be here when you need me. but these are your mistakes to make. again. and again. as many times as it takes for you to learn from them.
i just hope that time will come before its too late.
Monday, September 7, 2009
sick.
im sick of it all.
sick of selfishness.
sick of ignorance.
sick of repeated mistakes.
sick of immaturity.
sick of blindness.
sick of teenagers.
sick of drama.
sick of feeling responsible.
sick of getting hurt.
sick of acting.
sick of feeling.
sick of them.
sick of trying.
sick of being sick of it.
sick of selfishness.
sick of ignorance.
sick of repeated mistakes.
sick of immaturity.
sick of blindness.
sick of teenagers.
sick of drama.
sick of feeling responsible.
sick of getting hurt.
sick of acting.
sick of feeling.
sick of them.
sick of trying.
sick of being sick of it.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
i'm my own worst critic.
as i looked in the mirror, critiquing myself; my bad skin, my need for a tan, my out of shapeness, my unruly hair, i realized something. there's no need for it. God created me in His image. would we ever have the nerve to say "hey God, having a bad hair day?" or "God, you have a less than perfect body." that's a big fat NO. so if we are created in His image, which is an absolutely and competely perfect one, why do we ask ourselves these questions each and every day? i struggle with my own self-confidence all the time. when my sports aren't in-season, i feel like a fat out of shape slob. so my lung capacity isn't quite the same as mid-soccer season. why beat myself up about the 'flab' on my body? there's no excuse except for our own sinful nature. and that's not even a halfway decent excuse. my new [school] year's resolution is to go in there as a confident 17 year old who is comfortable with her body and her looks. i don't need a guy to tell me i look good. sure, that'd be nice, but that's not what i'll let control my self-esteem. if all he can see in me is my body, he isn't even worth talking to in the first place. my inner self is what matters, because it's what matters most to our Lord.
"a woman should be so lost in God that a man should have to first seek God in order to find her."
the body God gave me is a gift. it can run and jump and ride horses and climb mountains and swim and everything else God intended it for. why in the world should i ask for more than that?
so God, i'm sorry i beat myself up about the healthy and fit body you've given me. i take all i can do for granted because i feel like i don't look good enough for the world's approval. all i want is your approval, it's all i need. and i thank you for it. along with this body that can do just about anything i put my mind to. you're an amazing Creator, there is no one like you.
love, Cecelia
1 peter 3:3-4
"your beauty should not come from outward appearances, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's eyes."
song of songs 4:7
"all beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you."
psalm 139:14
"i praise you because i am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderufl, i know that full well"
Saturday, August 29, 2009
inspirational lakes.
i did something i NEVER thought id ever be able to do today. i wakeboarded. it was so exhiliarating! I FREAKIN WAKEBOARDED!!!! it was amazing. from what id heard the hardest part was actually getting up; from laying on your back in the water to GOING. you just have to do it. jump in and figure it out. :D thats all there is to it.
now for the rest...
THOU SHALT NOT IDOLIZE THOU CELL PHONE.
if i have a pet peeve. thats it. even though i do it myself. is that hypcritical? even when i am actively fighting it. trying not to rely so so much on my phone. i feel disconnected with the world. if i dont have my phone with me, i feel almost naked. and frantic when i dont have service, when my texts wont go through. its so awful.
calculus forreal starts monday. im nervous. as all get out.
pray for me pleaseee.
buneas noches.
now for the rest...
THOU SHALT NOT IDOLIZE THOU CELL PHONE.
if i have a pet peeve. thats it. even though i do it myself. is that hypcritical? even when i am actively fighting it. trying not to rely so so much on my phone. i feel disconnected with the world. if i dont have my phone with me, i feel almost naked. and frantic when i dont have service, when my texts wont go through. its so awful.
calculus forreal starts monday. im nervous. as all get out.
pray for me pleaseee.
buneas noches.
Friday, August 28, 2009
underclassmen.
i got THE most annoying underclassmen today comin home. UGH. they were bein total jerks. flippin me off, like stickin their hands out the window and stuff. i was ridin on their bumper hahaha, but that shouldnt be any reason to act like jerks. stupid stupid stupid stupid.
also heard a pretty good band today, called forward forward. i like em. check em out on myspace.
ITS FRIDAY. and i am so glad.
also heard a pretty good band today, called forward forward. i like em. check em out on myspace.
ITS FRIDAY. and i am so glad.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
so.
it has come to attention that:
1. i dont quite have the talent to post as witty blogs as my friends.
2. i have already let calculus kick. my. BUTT.
3. i am very very very VERY out of shape.
let me elaborate...
1. if youre reading this, you know that my blogs arent witty. lol. they are quite boring. i dont have that many great points or realizations to share, unless they come with great inspiration. maybe ill post a recent realization that i struggle with each day... kay look for that later. :]
2. i made a 68 on our first calc test. it was a review of precalc. i couldnt remember the little things that actually equated to the answer of the whole problem. and thatsss a problem. she said it "wasnt me", probably because i made a 98 the second quarter of precalc... but she said that theres still hope! and that i can do it. andddd with a POSITIVE outlook, ill continue calculus.
3. danggg i went for like a mile and half run today. UGH. im outa shape. it burnedddd and then when i got home i felt like puking. stephen, i dont know howww i am gonna survive in our 5k lol. if i train though, i think i can do it.
its gonna be friday tomorrow. im stoked.
it has come to attention that:
1. i dont quite have the talent to post as witty blogs as my friends.
2. i have already let calculus kick. my. BUTT.
3. i am very very very VERY out of shape.
let me elaborate...
1. if youre reading this, you know that my blogs arent witty. lol. they are quite boring. i dont have that many great points or realizations to share, unless they come with great inspiration. maybe ill post a recent realization that i struggle with each day... kay look for that later. :]
2. i made a 68 on our first calc test. it was a review of precalc. i couldnt remember the little things that actually equated to the answer of the whole problem. and thatsss a problem. she said it "wasnt me", probably because i made a 98 the second quarter of precalc... but she said that theres still hope! and that i can do it. andddd with a POSITIVE outlook, ill continue calculus.
3. danggg i went for like a mile and half run today. UGH. im outa shape. it burnedddd and then when i got home i felt like puking. stephen, i dont know howww i am gonna survive in our 5k lol. if i train though, i think i can do it.
its gonna be friday tomorrow. im stoked.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
ehhh.
first day of school.
what can i say? its the same. but its my last first day of school, so i guess its different.
teachers are decent so far. ive either had or know 2 of them. im in for a long haul. but in calculus we took this test thing, by some lady who motivates people. it said i was a director, and described me to a tee. it was pretty sweet.
AHMAZINGGG lesson on jazzy tonight :] that made me happy.
but now im superrrrr tired, ill post more tomorrow, when its not bed time.
buenas noches. :]
what can i say? its the same. but its my last first day of school, so i guess its different.
teachers are decent so far. ive either had or know 2 of them. im in for a long haul. but in calculus we took this test thing, by some lady who motivates people. it said i was a director, and described me to a tee. it was pretty sweet.
AHMAZINGGG lesson on jazzy tonight :] that made me happy.
but now im superrrrr tired, ill post more tomorrow, when its not bed time.
buenas noches. :]
Monday, August 24, 2009
FIRSTPOST.birthday.lastdayofsummer
So this is my first post. I've never done a blog before, until now. Because the rest of my YOUTH GROUPPP is doing them, I figured why not. Since this is my VERY FIRST post, I'll describe myself. Almost completely.
I am a Christian. For life. For eternity. Despite the persecution, trials, and tribulations. "blessed are the persecuted for righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." I believe in things you probably don't, and would probably argue with me about, and would call me close minded or opinionated for them, but I believe them because it's the truth. I believe the Bible in it's complete and whole form; every sentence, every word, every letter mandated by God.
I am so so so straightedge. And proud of it. I don't believe I am missing out on anything because of my lifestyle. I choose not to do these things because I have goals and dreams and hopes for the rest of my life. These things only hinder that.
DRUGS
ALCOHOL
CURSING
SEX
I'm determined, strongwilled, hardheaded, and set on what I want in my life. When I put my mind to something, it's gonna get done. I am always doing something or going somewhere to accomplish something. I like it that way. I am not one to sit on my butt all day, I feel useless. I work hard at school, and it's finally starting to pay off. It's hard for me to actually like school, but it's the end result of all that work that I look forward to. I like to think I have a good work ethic in things outside of school. I find it hard to understand people with no motivation. I have more than enough. I push myself too hard sometimes. And I'm too hard on myself as well, in my appearances, my performance at school, my walk with Christ, basically everything.
I have amazing friends. They are more like family, the best ones. My youth group is like my support line. I can go them for basically anything in the world. And I love it. I can't describe how amazing they are. It's not humanly possible with words. You'd have to have the same kind of relationship to even begin to understand. I am thankful every day that God put me in the state, town, and church I'm in to be near these people.
I'm seventeen today. It's wierd. I'm a senior in highschool now. It all went by so fast, these past 3 years are like a blur. I am holding on tight to my last year in this place. I don't want to let it go. I don't feel like a senior in highschool. I don't feel like a leader. Yet I am.
I ride horses, yeah I'm one of those people... But I'm not stuck up. Or rich. Or able to show every weekend. I don't have an expensive $943769034798346 warmblood or sport horse. I have a little Appaloosa. His name is Jazz. He is worth more to me than any horse out there. What he lacks in performance and looks, he makes up for in heart. If he were a person, he would be one of those people that you don't get smiles or praise from very much. So when you do get that one showing of affection, it means that much more. Horses are my passion. The barn is my outlet. I don't have to worry about much there. School, college, drama stays at the back of my mind when I'm there. It's a great feeling.
I am a Christian. For life. For eternity. Despite the persecution, trials, and tribulations. "blessed are the persecuted for righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." I believe in things you probably don't, and would probably argue with me about, and would call me close minded or opinionated for them, but I believe them because it's the truth. I believe the Bible in it's complete and whole form; every sentence, every word, every letter mandated by God.
I am so so so straightedge. And proud of it. I don't believe I am missing out on anything because of my lifestyle. I choose not to do these things because I have goals and dreams and hopes for the rest of my life. These things only hinder that.
I'm determined, strongwilled, hardheaded, and set on what I want in my life. When I put my mind to something, it's gonna get done. I am always doing something or going somewhere to accomplish something. I like it that way. I am not one to sit on my butt all day, I feel useless. I work hard at school, and it's finally starting to pay off. It's hard for me to actually like school, but it's the end result of all that work that I look forward to. I like to think I have a good work ethic in things outside of school. I find it hard to understand people with no motivation. I have more than enough. I push myself too hard sometimes. And I'm too hard on myself as well, in my appearances, my performance at school, my walk with Christ, basically everything.
I have amazing friends. They are more like family, the best ones. My youth group is like my support line. I can go them for basically anything in the world. And I love it. I can't describe how amazing they are. It's not humanly possible with words. You'd have to have the same kind of relationship to even begin to understand. I am thankful every day that God put me in the state, town, and church I'm in to be near these people.
I'm seventeen today. It's wierd. I'm a senior in highschool now. It all went by so fast, these past 3 years are like a blur. I am holding on tight to my last year in this place. I don't want to let it go. I don't feel like a senior in highschool. I don't feel like a leader. Yet I am.
I ride horses, yeah I'm one of those people... But I'm not stuck up. Or rich. Or able to show every weekend. I don't have an expensive $943769034798346 warmblood or sport horse. I have a little Appaloosa. His name is Jazz. He is worth more to me than any horse out there. What he lacks in performance and looks, he makes up for in heart. If he were a person, he would be one of those people that you don't get smiles or praise from very much. So when you do get that one showing of affection, it means that much more. Horses are my passion. The barn is my outlet. I don't have to worry about much there. School, college, drama stays at the back of my mind when I'm there. It's a great feeling.
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