nothing but negatives.

thats all this stupid blog has turned into...a source for my complaints, my troubles, my negative feelings.
im overloaded.
im suffocated.
i feel suffocated inside myself.
theres no room to think, to breathe, to feel.
everything is crammed inside me; emotions, frustrations, knowledge, greater things.
all of my aspects have seem to fallen to mediocrity.
without room to grow and spread and just feel, i falter.
i stumble.
i choke.
i fall. hard.
then the next day, God lifts my mangled and weary mind back up and gives me a little push to keep going.
and keep going i do. spread thin and to the point of no return.
these next two weeks are going to be the ultimate test of me remaining sane and calm and not reverting to the negatives, once again.
two weeks...and im free.
talk to me then.
ill be a different person.

i dont know how to fight it anymore.

complacency.
apathy.

peace?
can you define by this?
would i rather stay healthy and happy now? or succeed for future purposes?
the previous is what im leaning towards, however ill be glad going for the latter later on.

going through the motions.
its all i can do.
in about everything.
i have established routines, i go through the same ones with every aspect of my days.
certain stimuli that used to make me feel sparks, they feel deadened.
i want to feel them, can i make myself? sometimes.
when i clear the load off my mind, theres room for my insides. it doesnt feel suffocated in there, it feels light. and free. like i can enjoy the little things. those little things, how significant they really are.
can i blame this pile of heavyness on anyone but myself? is it my lack of motivation?

is it?
cant answer that one. id rather not.

the good and the bad...well theres only bad.

focusing on the negative really accomplishes nothing.
but how do i change that attitude?
on my break from school, its like im in school.
i dont get a break.
im not productive.
and i might go insane.