just one of those things...

the L word. you cringe. roll your eyes. too young, too inexperienced, too early to know. that has been my mantra. but then i think about things as of recently, i think differently. that doesnt mean that ive turned into one of those head over heels, absolutely obsessed girls...my viewpoint is just a little different now, just a changed tone in the color. that word is not something to be tossed around. its not a feeling, its a commitment. its something that is so important to us as human beings; its a thing we crave, a necessity, its needed. it ties people together with bonds that dont break, if its true that is. those bonds can be stretched ragged but they're still there. once this commitment is there, it doesnt go away. that word, its a deep rooted undertaking. its one that surpasses all else in all situations, the good and the bad. the stressed and the joyous. bitter and excitement. its kind of like when you paint something, and its just a careless job where the paint is slapped on hastily. that top layer is a temporary coat, dull and patchy. the true color is still underneath, vibrant and ever-present. as the top layer wears away, just like our constantly changing moods and our reeling emotions that come and go, the truly beautiful color underneath streaks through. its always been there, sometimes you just have to work to keep it visible. and no, things are not always gonna be just dandy. but thats life. we are no where near perfect, and our flaws will always trip us up. but when there are two [beings] that are compatible, fit one another's mold, things tend to flow rather effortlessly. it becomes simple to put his needs and satisfaction and desires above your own. looking back on the selfishness that consumes you seems so frivolous. time wasted on pleasing yourself. but pleasing him seems so easy. and no, it doesnt consume you in the least. that is the wrong path to go. balance is key. and i have that. an equal yoke brings about that balance i so desire to have. its like that feeling of things just being so absolutely right that anything else just seems silly. perfectly fitted aspects of each other that move together so seamlessly.

"i think im in love with you..."
confession. the next level. i like to take things slow, savor those little moments. im ready for this move up though. the future of what is supposed to come after, well it's a long ways away. but frankly, i am perfectly content with sitting back and waiting for it. im in for the long haul. just enjoy the present for now, look forward to the future. thats my plan.

faded

its a leftover feeling. one where it becomes that the past is the past, and those times are not coming back. those times were reserved for only that summer, not any other time. things were perfectly balanced, everyone was in a state of mind that meshed; we helped each other grow, relied on one another for support and advice, we just had fun. the simple kind of entertainment that just feeds off of being around each other, we could have a good time anywhere; sonic parking lots, deserted pools, abandoned houses in the woods, someones living room, the place didn't matter. it just mattered that we were there with each other. it was when everyone still showed up, no one had drifted their separate ways yet. then came the next summer...some had left, never to return. some of us still clung to the past and tried to make the present go back to those times. tiny cracks that had previously been ignored were now widening into huge rifts that were next to impossible to cross. the cracks had been patched before, their seams held together by simple love. after that one, wonderful summer though, the patches came off and they were blatantly pointed out, called out upon, small faults were ever so noticeable. then fall: just like the leaves on the trees, the vividness of us was fading so slowly, only to gradually drift away and be gone.
its just like that last scene of the sandlot, one of my all time favorite movies. and yeah its not so philosophical, but it's exactly what happened to us...
1. i was mama. the responsible one, the one that took everyone under her wing, that looked out for everyone, that had the stable head on her shoulders, that made sure no one had too much fun, i was the leader. but then i went to college, leaving to follow my future, yet against my will. i was drowning in the shambles, desperately trying to find the pieces and make them go back together. they were much too broken though, into a million tiny fragments. too misshapen and distorted. now, two hours away, i am barely in touch with the leftovers. my life continues on; growing into new places, making new connections and new relationships, intertwining into other lives, gradually pulling out of the past.
2. you somewhat disappeared. no one has heard from you. its hard to without returned contact. weve tried, and i feel weird saying "we" now...there isn't a we. used to be a unit, now each aspect is independent. youre independent. and i miss you greatly. i worry about you, i wish i could do something. i just dont know what. i want the best for you. but somehow, i dont think you can get that on your own. dont follow this path; last i heard, it wasnt a good one.
3. all i can say is...what happened? i know your past, your hardships and temptations. at least i think i do. dont be afraid to tell me something because you think i will judge you. dont ever think that. do you feel guilt for what you do? you told us that summer that you regretted your mistakes, and would learn from them; they would not be repeated. but wait, arent you doing the exact same things you used to? i dont see any learning or conviction, nothing of that sort. blindly running and doing whatever you feel like doing, whatever makes you happy at the time. well let me tell you, you keep going after that instant gratification and see what happens. its a viscous cycle. please, please, dont fall into that. youre already falling though, and for some reason i believe that its because were not there to protect you anymore. nothing is guarding that deep black hole anymore, its fair game.
4. youre still there, we still have good times together. youve grown up so much, matured, thinking about college. it makes me happy, i still love you to death. i want to watch you succeed. theres no pent up anything, youre still like the old you, only older.
5. i think i still know you like i used to. you dont tell me any of those dark secrets like before, that curse you carry with you. i dont know what the effect of it is now, have you conquered it? i want to be there. thats all. i just want to be a part of everyones lives, like we used to.
6. youre in the army now. you used to be one of the leaders, right there by my side. since we were both the oldest, it made sense. you left and got caught up with her; you came home but we never knew, never saw you save for one time. now youve gone and broken her heart, and moved on to the next one. its all too fast, you cant rush things like that; commitment, forever, you just cant. take things slow and enjoy life being 19. despite the hardships that come with serving our country, there will be time later in life for love and frivolous things like that. just sit back and think about it, about the consequences of your actions. moving too fast can botch precious beginnings. just remember that.
7. the most radical for last...perhaps. i just dont even know where to start. what happened to the intimacy that used to be? things are so formal now, they seem so fake. i want none of that, i look for the genuine love that used to be there. the kind where it didnt need to be spoken, it was simply understood. that understanding seems to have gone away with the past, i guess its a thing of the past now.

i still hold onto the past. theres a difference though, in remembering it for what it was and trying to wish it back into existence. that just doesnt work. ill accept it and move on now, holding that summer close to my heart as one of the best of my lives. it wont happen again, not with those same people. the relationships just arent the same anymore. and as sad as it makes me, i still have a great sense of love for every single one of them, and every single one of those memories.