fire.

the words are fueled by anger, hot and fiery anger. they just flow and flow and rage out of control. the confusion and misunderstanding blinds everything with a smokey haze, choking out everyones lungs and allowing no breath to be taken. fire can be cleansing sometimes; allowing for all the dead and old parts to be removed, for new growth to have room to flourish, a burden lifted. but that's when the fire is in control, and over. out of control; burning everything in it's path, relentless. leaving behind nothing but remnants of what used to stand, of what used to be, so dismembered and charred they're unrecognizable. these crucial moments afterward determine the path.
what if the wrong path is taken, can the steps be retraced in order to ensure the right? to ensure that this precious newness is preserved and allowed to develop?

spinning round and round.

the utter chaos inside of my head is overwhelming. thoughts pass through my mind in split seconds, making the time crawl.
reeling mind, reeling emotions, reeling confusion. regret? contempt? lets make time stop in order to avoid facing it. biding time and drawing it out. running away, far away. but not far enough. disgust and protest. against everything. believe it? cant. denial? can.
this was predicted; forewarning was, in fact, in place. we heed no warnings, blind to all that is true.  a quiet buildup, silent and creeping, calm and stone cold. then; disaster strikes.

complimentary opposites

we are okay, we are okay. we are, alright.
so it seems? so i hope.
the weather today is contradicting of itself; the sky says rain, the air whispers of warmth. its a perfect balance really. i wish i could achieve that. i tend to just master the contradiction, nothing else. i cant seem to hold onto anything for long amounts of time, but its the quality that counts right? not the quantity. ending before the quality turns sour. or as it turns sour, and watching the repercussions of the actions taken.
i just talk and think myself in circles. its like being in the ocean, and being knocked over by a huge wave. it tosses you round and round and soon you lose your sense of direction. not knowing which way is up, which way is down; which will take you to the surface, which will run you into the sandy and rocky bottom. the panic arises, chest starts to tighten for lack of oxygen, you open your eyes for an attempt to fight to the surface, risking the burning, relentless saltwater. fighting the water serves no purpose; wait, wait, until the period of insanity is over. until the calm, and float back to the surface, a little bit shaken, a little beat up. the patience is madness, the seconds feel like years. reacting brings nothing.

mind versus body

the mind knows whats right. its very sure of what should be happening. somewhere though, the link from the mind to the rest of the body has failed. the synapses are firing, but the impulses short out along the way to the limbs, and the feelings take over. if this keeps up, someones going to be in trouble...

i want the situation to stay precisely how it is, go no further. living in the moment is so overrated though. if you live in the moment, how can you be sure of the future? well all in all, we cant. its a complex. i want to know whats going to happen when; the time, the day, i like solidity. i just want things to stay the same. dont change, dont change. nothing change. i cant stand change. the temperature changes, the sunset changes, the dark changes, everything changes. do i wait and see how things play out? or should i be proactive to ensure the escalation stops?

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

understanding is a feeling, deep down. solid connection. and it cannot be put into words that make any sense. thats why nothing i say, ever comes out the way it is intended to. ill never get it right. being inside my head, my thought process, then youll see. words never amount to what needs to be put forth. i can explain an infinite number of times, but to no avail. you still cant see past what youre so caught up in believing. its not you...those words, so repetitive. i dont know how to make any sense of it.
i dont know anything about anything. how can you think that any of this is easy? the emotions and feelings and memories, they run so deep. its gonna leave scars when they are pulled out, thats inevitable. the sharp pain is fierce, sometimes dulling to a subtle ache, sometimes rearing its head and thrashing with all its strength. the scars, the scars. they will fade, but will still be there as a reminder. of the mistakes? the regrets? what about the good times? the times filled with laughter, smiles, playful jokes? they will all reside. they dont go away. my slate doesnt wipe clean. is my memory that of a gift? or a burden?

the weeks cant go by fast enough

time seems to crawl in this dark hole they call my dorm room. its always so dark in here. it gets dark outside early now too, i hate that. sometimes i can bear the cold; seeing my breath in the air, pulling out the carhartt, curling up next to someone warm. the cold is refreshing sometimes, it kills the bad things in the air, in the ground. the thoughts prevail however. swirling and ever present. sometimes i wish there was a switch to turn my mind off. that way i could just feel and live on the instincts given to me...
there are those moments when the freezing air is bearable but they are are so fleeting. all other times it seems to ice my veins over; im always cold, so cold. my body cant compensate. the dropping temperature seems to pair perfectly with my dropping functionality. i just let the epic every day consume me, fall into the routine of just getting the least done. i dont want that though, i want to shine. to step ahead of the masses and live for my God. i ask for the strength, the motivation to do so. its so easy to just ride that line of the minimum, never daring to be bold and cross it. im bold arent i? daring, unique, different? so they say. 'they' are the ones who are meaningless however.
let me really be different and break those boundaries with zeal and vigor, breaking through them at break neck speed, never hesitating, just going forward. after all, hesitating is the ultimate means of failure. those last minute doubts, they will be the death of us all.

crisp

being at home this past weekend was just, right. it felt like it had been forever since i had been home. a full month i think? so much had changed it seemed. the leaves were falling off the trees, the grass was faded and brown, but one thing hadnt changed. how much it felt like home...

as soon as i got home i just went and sat on my front steps, drinking in the world around me. the clear, endless expanse of blue blue sky, the perfectly fresh and woodsy smell of the country air, crunchy leaves on the ground, soft and furry cat rubbing up against me purring and begging for attention, the familiar sights and sounds that had been strangely absent for the past month. just the pure open feeling that was home. i no longer felt suffocated by buildings and structures and cars and bricks and people all around. the open space, open fields, rolling hills, curvy two lane roads, fresh air.
it just feels so right when im there, back in little old mount pleasant. barely more than one car passing my house an hour. those little comforts of home are just so lacking up here in raleigh. walking into the warm and cozy house [home], to my mom fixing supper. the warmth of the cooking in the kitchen, the sounds of the sink running and the timer going off, and keep going off until someone frantically running to turn it off. the sound of the news on, and then the andy griffith show theme song playing as we sit down to eat. the way the lights are at the table as the sun sets behind the house, casting strange shadows and beautiful colors. all of us sitting in our same spots we have for the past 10 years. flopping down on the couch after supper, making sammy come and sit next to me. her soft fur so perfect, her sitting and purring until she gets bored and hops down. dad turning on the usual tv shows for the night, thomas lumbering around the house with his ever increasing height. the clanging of pots, opening and shutting of cabinets as mom cleans up the kitchen.

those little sounds and routines and comforts, you dont think about them till theyre gone. as much as i love it here, i miss home. so much. nothing will ever amount.