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youre right, itd be easier to just let go. let things fade into the past. its so much easier to forget and heal that way. loss of contact brings about loss of attachment. im just not ready for face that yet though, i want to hold on tight for all its worth. worth what? just delaying the hurt in the end. id rather face it now i guess, i try to hide it well. for the most part i do; "if only you knew..." i cant stand it though. practice makes perfect; soon ill be callous enough to where i dont feel it anymore. ill be used to the ache, maybe. time will tell. i just dont want to let go yet. i shouldnt even have let it go this far, but strangely enough i dont regret it. the memories made before the pain came just make me smile. a sad smile though, because i know thats gone. for good, im sure. it wont be coming back. you wont be coming back. the 'us' that was, it wont be back.
my choice. my only choice. i felt trapped. knowing that what i wanted and what i needed were two opposite extremes. i tell you im sorry and it seems to have no effect on you. do you know my pain is so much like your own? can you see that? its not easy for me either. dont you ever think it is. my own insanity seems to amplify it, tying everything back together until i trip and fall over my own doings. time and time again. i know your ways of seeming to not care; i dont go that route. i let it barrel towards me with no hope of stopping it...

imagine youre in the ocean, standing in the breakers. the waves come with undeniable force, my frail stature doesnt stand a chance to their strength. i still attempt to though, its that determination ive been given. call it stubborn, call it whatever you want, im still gonna stand up straight as that wave comes toward me, i wont back down.its a hopeless fight though, a relentless one. knocked down a million times over. stand back up, soaking wet, saltwater burning every wound, be it deep or just a scratch, seeping into my body bit by bit, let the water [pain] drench me again.
i turn my back and walk away, until the pain is so far away i cant feel even a trace of it.

just remember:
the memories will remain engrained onto the slate of my mind. it doesnt just wipe clean like a chalkboard, the falling dust all that is left of what was. with all those memories come emotions and feelings and thoughts and actions and longing, flooding back with undeniable force. when i dont distract myself enough, they play like an old movie reel in my head;

all those nights in the truck, not ever wanting to get out, not ever wanting you to leave. the music we listened to, the things we talked about, just even the scent of you sends my head spinning.
when we would go out anywhere, me so indecisive and you seeming frustrated with it, but i just smile and you smile back and everythings alright.
your warmth keeping me warm in my ever so cold state. always cold, now alone.
the time i spilled my milkshake from cookout, i felt like crying but you werent worried.
the times when you were just so happy, laughing at my sometimes naive, two-years-younger-than-you antics. im glad i could bring that to you, something positive at least.
the time when we went and rode the 4wheeler at your dads house, the cold air whipping my hair all around as i buried my face in your back to avoid the harsh wind, bringing streaming tears to my eyes. we parked by smith lake and walked out onto the little dock [withyouholdingmeclose] and watched the young geese swim all in a line behind their mother. you showed me where you grew up, the places you played in the woods when you were younger. i feel like im sneaking a peek into the past, with you guiding me, but where i dont belong.
the playful banter that was always going back and forth, always with good intentions. i could always tell you were joking because of the grin you couldnt keep off your face. pure fun, simplistic as it gets. thats what we had.
all the movies we went to; we never could seem to pick out a good one.
all those nights of falling asleep on your shoulder, it was so comfortable when i couldnt keep my eyes open any longer.
that first time you put your hand on my back sent shockwaves through me. you dont know that though.
ahh and your birthday. so memorable, best present ever? sure thing. that was the peak, the spike of good times, at its highest before it began a not-so-gradual descent. and it was my fault, but it was my only choice.
ill write this as to document my memories, although this is only a two dimensional form, these words. the other infinite dimensions cannot be explained, only experienced. i still feel the other elements of the memories every time i go back. ill tuck them away like an old photo album, to be brought out occasionally, to remember all the wonderful, smiling, joyous times that occured.
but maybe this is my way of letting you go, leaving me here grasping for the past [you], but unable to move to the future until i really do let go. complacency? what i feel now, content with watching you go. taming the ferocious side, holding it back, the one that wants to run after you, hold on, never leave, never lose touch, never move on. but whats really the best thing to do, the easiest?

sometimes my life seems just like a taylor swift song, thats the comedy i see in all of this.

untouchable

bliss, its so good to be home. despite the feelings and wayward emotions, the sharp jabs at the thought, at the hurt that you dont even know you cause, its so so good to be in the place i can call home. the place ive grown up. the tall and rigid pine trees ever present out the window, reminding me that they will always be there. my sky here just looks so different here. so blue and fluid and as close to perfect as it can get. my sunsets here dont amount anywhere else. ive been to quite a few amazing and gorgeous places, but the familiarity of this place is just comforting. its got a personal feel that welcomes me. i just let all else fade away; the bitterness, hurt, disappointment, shame, none of that matters. let contentedness wash over me and leave me smiling just for the sake of it.

learning process.

"i learn through experience" yeah, me too. im learning right now. to let go? of what could have been, but what should have never been. period. i never write about anything real or literal on here. its always a series of pictures or metaphors, relating them back to what goes through my head. thats how my mind works.
on another note, the wrong path seems to be so popular these days. ive headed that way, im standing still on it. i still cant force myself to physically turn around and run away, though i know with all of my heart that that is the right thing to do. my best friend however is barreling down that path at breakneck speed. learning through experience is not worth the risks, the hurt, the pain at the end. im gonna stand in front of her and stop her for as long as i can. but theres only so much one can do at such a distance.

and they fade.

that hole just gapes open, empty and waiting patiently for the right thing to come and fill it. those square pieces just dont fit into the circle holes, no matter how hard you try. we keep putting ourselves out there, searching relentlessly. yet the answer is right in front of us; sitting on our desk, the world around us, it whispers in a voice that can only be heard by those who listen. the minute i just stop to listen, i know i will find the satisfaction that can patch up that gaping hole.

my insides seem to ice over, just like the cold cold ground is doing. my care fades away along with the light of these ever-shortening days. i dont know whether to try harder or just let go. i learn how to seem careless from you, i let how i feel about you influence me. with others. i give up. i dont feel like trying anymore. i just need to bury myself in the friends and world around me, need to lose myself in Him. He cares when you dont, when all else fails, in any and every situation. wake up and realize that.

in between.

everythings all tangled up between the previous and the whats next. just hanging there, dead center. lack of control, lack of commitment; side by side. definition of the present. things wont work that way, they dont. as much as i wish that was possible, it just doesnt. i dont want to lose the closeness, but i feel that drifting away is inevitable. something i cant stop or control, i cant just cover my ears and squeeze my eyes shut to block it all out. because once i open my eyes and ears, youll be gone. just like that, leaving me grasping nothing but thin air. i dont want this to become the future, are you willing to stick by me? despite all my indecisiveness, and mixed emotions and feelings directed towards you? i lean one way and then the other, back and forth, over and over again. doubting my own decisions. i cant seem to make any of the right ones lately. they just backfire and leave me feeling stranded.  
please dont. as i beg you, pleading, just dont walk away. thoughts, feelings, hands, emotions, intertwined. realize that ripping all that away will leave a smarting wound, fresh and ever present. until it scars over, leaving no nerves or feeling towards the issue.
i never meant to drag it out, thats what leaving it in the in between will do. once i finally build up the nerve to explain, its too late to stop without damage. all i can say is im sorry, yet that will never suffice. how did i ever end up in this situation?

fire.

the words are fueled by anger, hot and fiery anger. they just flow and flow and rage out of control. the confusion and misunderstanding blinds everything with a smokey haze, choking out everyones lungs and allowing no breath to be taken. fire can be cleansing sometimes; allowing for all the dead and old parts to be removed, for new growth to have room to flourish, a burden lifted. but that's when the fire is in control, and over. out of control; burning everything in it's path, relentless. leaving behind nothing but remnants of what used to stand, of what used to be, so dismembered and charred they're unrecognizable. these crucial moments afterward determine the path.
what if the wrong path is taken, can the steps be retraced in order to ensure the right? to ensure that this precious newness is preserved and allowed to develop?

spinning round and round.

the utter chaos inside of my head is overwhelming. thoughts pass through my mind in split seconds, making the time crawl.
reeling mind, reeling emotions, reeling confusion. regret? contempt? lets make time stop in order to avoid facing it. biding time and drawing it out. running away, far away. but not far enough. disgust and protest. against everything. believe it? cant. denial? can.
this was predicted; forewarning was, in fact, in place. we heed no warnings, blind to all that is true.  a quiet buildup, silent and creeping, calm and stone cold. then; disaster strikes.

complimentary opposites

we are okay, we are okay. we are, alright.
so it seems? so i hope.
the weather today is contradicting of itself; the sky says rain, the air whispers of warmth. its a perfect balance really. i wish i could achieve that. i tend to just master the contradiction, nothing else. i cant seem to hold onto anything for long amounts of time, but its the quality that counts right? not the quantity. ending before the quality turns sour. or as it turns sour, and watching the repercussions of the actions taken.
i just talk and think myself in circles. its like being in the ocean, and being knocked over by a huge wave. it tosses you round and round and soon you lose your sense of direction. not knowing which way is up, which way is down; which will take you to the surface, which will run you into the sandy and rocky bottom. the panic arises, chest starts to tighten for lack of oxygen, you open your eyes for an attempt to fight to the surface, risking the burning, relentless saltwater. fighting the water serves no purpose; wait, wait, until the period of insanity is over. until the calm, and float back to the surface, a little bit shaken, a little beat up. the patience is madness, the seconds feel like years. reacting brings nothing.

mind versus body

the mind knows whats right. its very sure of what should be happening. somewhere though, the link from the mind to the rest of the body has failed. the synapses are firing, but the impulses short out along the way to the limbs, and the feelings take over. if this keeps up, someones going to be in trouble...

i want the situation to stay precisely how it is, go no further. living in the moment is so overrated though. if you live in the moment, how can you be sure of the future? well all in all, we cant. its a complex. i want to know whats going to happen when; the time, the day, i like solidity. i just want things to stay the same. dont change, dont change. nothing change. i cant stand change. the temperature changes, the sunset changes, the dark changes, everything changes. do i wait and see how things play out? or should i be proactive to ensure the escalation stops?

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

understanding is a feeling, deep down. solid connection. and it cannot be put into words that make any sense. thats why nothing i say, ever comes out the way it is intended to. ill never get it right. being inside my head, my thought process, then youll see. words never amount to what needs to be put forth. i can explain an infinite number of times, but to no avail. you still cant see past what youre so caught up in believing. its not you...those words, so repetitive. i dont know how to make any sense of it.
i dont know anything about anything. how can you think that any of this is easy? the emotions and feelings and memories, they run so deep. its gonna leave scars when they are pulled out, thats inevitable. the sharp pain is fierce, sometimes dulling to a subtle ache, sometimes rearing its head and thrashing with all its strength. the scars, the scars. they will fade, but will still be there as a reminder. of the mistakes? the regrets? what about the good times? the times filled with laughter, smiles, playful jokes? they will all reside. they dont go away. my slate doesnt wipe clean. is my memory that of a gift? or a burden?

the weeks cant go by fast enough

time seems to crawl in this dark hole they call my dorm room. its always so dark in here. it gets dark outside early now too, i hate that. sometimes i can bear the cold; seeing my breath in the air, pulling out the carhartt, curling up next to someone warm. the cold is refreshing sometimes, it kills the bad things in the air, in the ground. the thoughts prevail however. swirling and ever present. sometimes i wish there was a switch to turn my mind off. that way i could just feel and live on the instincts given to me...
there are those moments when the freezing air is bearable but they are are so fleeting. all other times it seems to ice my veins over; im always cold, so cold. my body cant compensate. the dropping temperature seems to pair perfectly with my dropping functionality. i just let the epic every day consume me, fall into the routine of just getting the least done. i dont want that though, i want to shine. to step ahead of the masses and live for my God. i ask for the strength, the motivation to do so. its so easy to just ride that line of the minimum, never daring to be bold and cross it. im bold arent i? daring, unique, different? so they say. 'they' are the ones who are meaningless however.
let me really be different and break those boundaries with zeal and vigor, breaking through them at break neck speed, never hesitating, just going forward. after all, hesitating is the ultimate means of failure. those last minute doubts, they will be the death of us all.

crisp

being at home this past weekend was just, right. it felt like it had been forever since i had been home. a full month i think? so much had changed it seemed. the leaves were falling off the trees, the grass was faded and brown, but one thing hadnt changed. how much it felt like home...

as soon as i got home i just went and sat on my front steps, drinking in the world around me. the clear, endless expanse of blue blue sky, the perfectly fresh and woodsy smell of the country air, crunchy leaves on the ground, soft and furry cat rubbing up against me purring and begging for attention, the familiar sights and sounds that had been strangely absent for the past month. just the pure open feeling that was home. i no longer felt suffocated by buildings and structures and cars and bricks and people all around. the open space, open fields, rolling hills, curvy two lane roads, fresh air.
it just feels so right when im there, back in little old mount pleasant. barely more than one car passing my house an hour. those little comforts of home are just so lacking up here in raleigh. walking into the warm and cozy house [home], to my mom fixing supper. the warmth of the cooking in the kitchen, the sounds of the sink running and the timer going off, and keep going off until someone frantically running to turn it off. the sound of the news on, and then the andy griffith show theme song playing as we sit down to eat. the way the lights are at the table as the sun sets behind the house, casting strange shadows and beautiful colors. all of us sitting in our same spots we have for the past 10 years. flopping down on the couch after supper, making sammy come and sit next to me. her soft fur so perfect, her sitting and purring until she gets bored and hops down. dad turning on the usual tv shows for the night, thomas lumbering around the house with his ever increasing height. the clanging of pots, opening and shutting of cabinets as mom cleans up the kitchen.

those little sounds and routines and comforts, you dont think about them till theyre gone. as much as i love it here, i miss home. so much. nothing will ever amount.

dont you fake it.

im tired of pretending for you. pasting on the smile, piling up the excuses. i want to be honest, but the hurt it would bring amounts to no other. at these crossroads i stand, clueless as of which way to go.
cold, so cold. the temperature? or the feelings coursing through me right now? the selfishness; its frigid. icing over, until only numbness is left. the essence of no feeling, no spark, at all. temporary or not, its here. and now. time to be dealt with properly.

trapped.

i feel like a caged animal. trapped in this room with no place to go, no place to run to and lose myself. to just forget things temporarily. i cant be productive like this. but i cant get away. this dilemma continues to present itself over and over again. the frustration builds and overflows from the inside. it spills and reaches others, like an uncontrollable flood. spreading faster and faster with no one but me to stop it. yet i fail. i cant brace the walls enough. the usual strength is missing, leaving with no sign or evidence of when it will return.

again?

its about you again, almost exactly a year later. ironic huh? but whats wrong with this picture? its for different reasons this time.
just for pure expression of emotion.
almost opposite, in one year. i cant express how thankful i am for that. the difference is so refreshing. however things just came to a screeching halt. i cant think straight, cant figure it out. im distracted and spacey. bad timing? id like to think so. we are finally on the same thought track, our morals line up now. im the straightedge and strict enforcer and you respect that. i hurt you, without even trying. it seems like im very good at that, with just about everyone. now you need your own time, i understand that. it hurts me too though. i dont want things to change, i dont want you to just leave, walk out of my life. its happened too many times before. most frequently at this time of year, strangely enough. so. lets forget and not slow down, than gather regret for the things we cant change now.

nows as good a time as anytime.

this has to be done, now.
or there will never be recognition of what's happened.
that time caused emotions that only lasted through the short entirety of it.
the promises made then were broken and forgotten. their significance faded as soon as the tears running down your face dried. the distance is so prominent. its so tangible, and inescapable. as vast as it is, it is still suffocating.
i cant find the right words to make it right, the right thing to do. the intimacy is gone, washing away with this endless rain. the remnants are still barely visible, but it just isnt the same. will it ever be? i cannot say.

bffs?

why so much hurt?
what is there to hold against me?
why am i the target?
the problems outnumber the good by far.
which to bury; us or the hatchet?

mess.

ive made a mess of me.
thinking about the present moment, and myself.
why do i give advice exactly against that, yet i cant follow it?
why do i hurt one who i am closest to?
why do i have to be selfish?
lets see.
its time to fix things. my own mistakes.
before i ruin it.
and make of mess of others as well.

utter contentment?

i do believe ive reached it, on this gorgeous day at home.
the smell of outside is so soothing to me; the fresh, clean scent of it. it just reminds me of so many memories.
me and mom went to see jazzy today. we rode in the red truck, windows down and fresh air streaming in. before i left for school, i was so determined to not have him sitting in the pasture doing nothing. even though he is getting older, you could never tell. he doesn't seem to age. but seeing him out there in that huge green pasture with nothing between him and freedom made me realize that he is at his happiest doing just that. just being a horse, running on instincts. as i walked up and he eyed me, i could just tell. his eyes had that wild edge to them. yes, he's just a horse. but i feel like we have this attachment to each other where i can see what he thinks. he got that taste of freedom and now he will never forget it. that's how he needs to be. back to his roots, from hundreds of years ago. where his ancestors ran free and wild and hard on the open grasslands. where human contact was a connection like no other; horses were partners, not servants. i understand now. i took him for granted, how sturdy and strong and in tune with me he is. but it all makes sense. i miss him so much. when i first saw him, i saw a flash of a wild horse out west, with quick thinking and true instincts. with a wild and unkempt mane and tail, not done up and pedicured by human hands. the way it should be. his mane all grown out and tinged with red from the clay soil, wispy and long in his eyes and running down his face. he has nothing to worry about, he just listens to the whispers of the tall grass as the wind runs through it, inviting him, calling him, to be wild. to be free. to run and run until breath is gone. his heart pumping faster and faster, as his feet churn beneath him sounding out the staccato beats of untamed glory.

comparisons.

last summer
the summer of 19. the tribe became one. of bracelets, handmade ones. late night movies and late night swimming. crazed trips to harris teeter. raiding of nanas pantry. sleepovers and no sleep. unpersued loves, and losses. break apart, come together again. fresh scars, inside and out.

this summer
little time. last minute plans till who knows when. rushing, everywhere. early mornings of hard work. contentedness, yet unsatisfied. roiling emotions: angerfearconfusionlovepassiontearsrawfeelingsheldinside. demand for presence. splitting. complacency. back and forth. nick. anxiety. pressure. no time at home, just no time.

sometimes i feel like raging and crying and being stubborn. sometimes im all for just facing it, just dealing. that front doesnt last long. my walls are knocked down, in my own mind and thoughts and reality strikes with a harsh blow. theres no time left. i cant leave things like this. how do i fix them? im always fixing something, making something right, working to make it alright. with no time and a huge distance to come, theres no place for that anymore. my place is gone, faded as the day with the coming sunset of tonight. the rich and vibrant colors of reds and violets, soft pinks and shining oranges. they will all go to blackness soon, leaving only the moon and stars to guide the way now.

the little things.

what is the value of material possessions?
i say nothing.
others, they have a contrasting view. it is so good to have the newest and latest, the most expensive stuff. itll fade and deteriorate in coming years, then it will be left with no value, forgotten in the corner of some attic, some tack room.

i think the earthly thing that i value most at the moment is time. because i have so little of it left before i leave. the days come and go, all at breakneck speed. what am i doing with the ever-shortening weeks? the same monotonous routine. do i fight it? do something productive, something meaningful? or do i just let it come? lie down to wait, so vulnerable.
just accept it; the day is approaching, quickly. and theres nothing you can do about it...

breathe in, breathe out.

i hear you breathing in, another day begins
the stars are falling out, my dreams are fading now.
i been keeping my eyes wide open
i been keeping my eyes wide open,

your love is a symphony, all around me, running through me.
your love is a song.

this is the times where i feel so free and calm, relaxed and transparent, no stress. the load off my shoulders.
with the blue skies and balmy air, everything seems simpler.
the cool, caressing breezes seem to flow through me and make me lighter.
my mind finds ways to be content, satisfied with these simple concepts. genuine happiness, legit satisfaction.
opposite of the usual raging, boiling, always moving complexities.

everythings coming to an end; the school year, my classes, soccer...ive been waiting for this freedom for months now, yet i dont want it. not yet. i dont like change. i have established routines.
but enough with the future, its time to focus on the time i have left.
the time i have left with the ones i love.

nothing but negatives.

thats all this stupid blog has turned into...a source for my complaints, my troubles, my negative feelings.
im overloaded.
im suffocated.
i feel suffocated inside myself.
theres no room to think, to breathe, to feel.
everything is crammed inside me; emotions, frustrations, knowledge, greater things.
all of my aspects have seem to fallen to mediocrity.
without room to grow and spread and just feel, i falter.
i stumble.
i choke.
i fall. hard.
then the next day, God lifts my mangled and weary mind back up and gives me a little push to keep going.
and keep going i do. spread thin and to the point of no return.
these next two weeks are going to be the ultimate test of me remaining sane and calm and not reverting to the negatives, once again.
two weeks...and im free.
talk to me then.
ill be a different person.

i dont know how to fight it anymore.

complacency.
apathy.

peace?
can you define by this?
would i rather stay healthy and happy now? or succeed for future purposes?
the previous is what im leaning towards, however ill be glad going for the latter later on.

going through the motions.
its all i can do.
in about everything.
i have established routines, i go through the same ones with every aspect of my days.
certain stimuli that used to make me feel sparks, they feel deadened.
i want to feel them, can i make myself? sometimes.
when i clear the load off my mind, theres room for my insides. it doesnt feel suffocated in there, it feels light. and free. like i can enjoy the little things. those little things, how significant they really are.
can i blame this pile of heavyness on anyone but myself? is it my lack of motivation?

is it?
cant answer that one. id rather not.

the good and the bad...well theres only bad.

focusing on the negative really accomplishes nothing.
but how do i change that attitude?
on my break from school, its like im in school.
i dont get a break.
im not productive.
and i might go insane.

momentary insanity...

i about messed it up.
but its back together now.
and better than ever.

can i cope?
i like to tell my insane teachers and coach that i live not a double life, but a triple life. dedicated to calculus, ap bio, and soccer.
but im only one person...hows that possible?
is it?

i love ranting to no one.

i might explode. theres just too much to do in so little time.
soccer makes my weeks fly by.
i dont want that though.
ive only got 5 weeks till my ap exams. and thats frightening.
i feel like ive got no grip on what im doing anymore; in soccer, in calculus, in ap biology.
completely and utterly overwhelmed. i usually dont post about specifics on here...more coded or underlying themes. so this is new.
ive got objectives due tomorrow.
a HUGE test tomorrow.
honestly, how the heck does my stupid teacher expect me to remember ELEVEN chapters for this unit test. she "teaches" us ONE time, if you can even call it teaching. for one rather large section, we taught each other. GREAT.
calculus. oh man. i cant keep up. we have 4 "practice" tests a week. and about 4 tests for weekend homework. she expects us to get all of that done. and sleep? nahhh. sleeping wastes time. you cannot understand to what degree of intensity this stuff is, unless youre in the same class right there with me.
it never ends.
by monday, im already behind.
talking about your problems is supposed to help? sorry. not for me. it just gets me more worked up and frustrated. so i think ill stop now.

can i just complain a little bit more?

screaming.
rageeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
dont doubt my abilities.
dont tell me i cant do something, when i know i can.
set me off.
and youll see the results.
by telling me i cant, the chances that i can increase exponentially.
by telling me i cant, im set out to prove you wrong.
ill do everything it takes to achieve the goals ive set for myself.
you think you know me, but you dont.
i set myself up to fail? i beg to differ.
im not a quitter.
im not a slacker.
im affected.
by this.
those words, they drive me to make you wrong.

so suck it up. and get ready to eat your words.
theyll taste of the long hours ive spent, of the salty tears of frustration.
theyll taste of the bitterness ill have fallen into.

my sweet success; it wont be shared.

i can take the derivative of most anything but life...

this life? this short span. this minute time we are given.
we take everything for granted.
love. mostly love.
it goes unappreciated. unnoticed. until its gone.
worry is consuming. it saps life of the quality God gave it. why do we worry about these petty things? when we only have such a short time to...what?
love.
live.
experience.
glorify God.

i cant express this. its a feeling. the overwhelming appreciation for the love [enveloping me], the gratitude for [my blessed] life. one must experience in order to empathize.
the stone of my mind is etched with the feelings, the experiences, the memories, the lessons learned. it does not wash away. a gift? a curse? ill take the previous.

its a new positive outlook. one of few complaints. one of many thanks. love.

sick.

how do you console someone, when you cant even begin to wrap your mind around what they are experiencing? how do you comfort them?
love. simple. love. give and give and give all of it.
im in denial. this isnt possible. im not believing it.

so shallow, prior. so awakened, present. so shocked, shocked into reality.
reality has a grip like no other. a painful one.

God has a plan. this is in his plan. now its time to figure out where it fits, and what the purpose is.
we just ask why, why? how?
and i give no answer,
because i hold none.

circles are round

its interesting to me how, when people don't pay attention, the past repeats itself.

idleness

this offseason has been so killer. simply because my time has been abundant, yet sparing.
i have time to sit and think, dwell on the things that have happened. my mistakes. my messups.
my go all the time routine is nonexistant in the offseason. i sit. literally.
my muscles yearn to be moving, be involved, be active. but i have no motivation outside of soccer.
im just waiting. waiting for soccer season. waiting...

i love the mindless feel and effort of my muscles all synchronizing together, to form a run, a sprint, a powerful shot. the bunch and release of them coiling up with raw power and solid steel force and then stretching out, the ligaments and tendons and muscle fiber all lengthening as one, eating up the ground under my feet, hungry for more of that feel. the burning of my body crying out to stop this relentless pain, yet i push it on, training for an elite fit. push it past its breaking point, sweat pouring down my back as a come up short of breath, of strength, of physical power, but not will power. the will to keep going disregards the screams of pain from my muscles and makes them move once more.
this immense amount of will power seems to elude me everywhere but on the soccer field. sure i have some strong will power else where, but the sheer force of my mind over pain, the very essence doesnt apply. i cant make it apply. soccer is...simple to me. its black and white. its all mind over the body. the mind telling the body to keep going, even when the body protests that this is not possible any more.
the rest of life is so vividly colored; its so beautiful, yet so very frightening at the exact same time, the two feelings meshing together as one.