goldfish.

i once heard about a lady who, when she got a brand new couch, she just never took the protective plastic covering off of it. she was so paranoid about ruining it that she never got to fully enjoy this brand new couch. yes it sounds pretty silly. but i can apply that to situation(s) in my life at the moment. im so excited about this newness in my life, but im so scared im going to ruin it just by enjoying and experiencing it. you cant live your life like that. i realized a lot recently. and im not going to be like that poor woman, so paranoid and so afraid to take risks. i like to consider myself a bold person, and i like to be on guard, but sometimes im much too guarded in my efforts. and i dont let a single thing past my wall. sometimes its necessary to be vulnerable, risking things is the only way to know if its going to be good or bad. if we dont take risks period, a lot of wonderful things will be missed. take risks, be bold, make decisions, enjoy things, experience things, all within reason of course.

i continue forward with a wake of burned bridges behind me.

this past week has been...just blah. down. totally down. full of pity. silence that has an ever-present tangible feel to it. i want to make things better, but i just dont know how. so much tension. i want things to ease up. they were so right before all of this nothing happened. ive been so happy with the new things coming into my life lately, but things like this just make them dull. im happy in the moment, when im distracted from reality and forgetting what it feels like to feel that disappointment, or anxiousness. what did i do? im not too sure actually, itd be nice if someone could tell me. someone would speak up, realize i really do care, hear my side of things. i keep trying. i really do. its so hard though when its a one-sided effort. i want a balance of things. i just want all these things, but thats not usually how it goes. and i dont deal with change well. ive burned my bridges, so ive come to think.

romans8

romans 8 HAS to be my very favorite book and chapter of the Bible. it's so full of hope and inspiration it just astounds me every time i read it. the words are so profound and just like 'HEY!, you ridiculous people, what in the world are you thinking?' why do we dwell so much on the now? what were going to wear tomorrow, whos dating who, whos mad at who, our grades, our future, our money, when God gave us this earth to enjoy and glorify Him. "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God." [romans8:18-19] those two verses just about sum it up. we wait with eager longing...how many of us can say we wait with eager longing? not too many. were so caught up in our every day lives that we cant just take the time to stop and realize what this life is really about. its not about the cars we drive, its not about the clothes we wear, its not about the grades we earn, its not about the money we make, its not about the politics, i could go on and on for hours about what its not about, but what is it about? Him. get lost in the Word of God, take a look outside at this gorgeous and complex world, and appreciate our time we have. i read this book and i constantly have to remind myself of what its saying.

early mornings.

i do love sleeping in mostly, its so hard to make myself get out of bed before the sun's up. this semester i have a riding lesson at 8:15am every tuesday morning. today was the first one. i was dreading it last night, but after this experience, im glad i have it so early. having a lesson at 8:15 may not sound too too early, but it actually requires waking up around 6:30 in order to be at the barn by a little after 7 and have ample time to groom and tack up.
it was a chilly morning, and no sight of the sun behind thick clouds. walking into the peaceful barn before the hustle and bustle of the day brings about a sense of calm in me. to be the first humans some of the horses greet that day is just special. we walk down the concrete aisle way, boots making that soft tapping sound with every step; some horses glance up from their breakfast to eye us, some keep their noses buried in their grain. others are already done with their grain and rest with sleepy eyes, one leg cocked, ears flopped to the side. the horses still out in the pasture pace, snorting and waiting anxiously to be brought in to eat, their hot breath making rhythmic white puffs in the icy air.

horses, the quiet barn, open fields, the scent of hay, the sound of grain, the soft fur, all these things bring calm to me. its where i can forget about the other troubles or stresses happening in the outside world. a place to get away. i miss my own pony so much. its great to be able to ride wonderful school horses with a top trainer every week, but i just dont feel the same on them. im lacking that deeper, solid, connection that goes to my heart. i can read my pony so well; his personality makes me laugh, it frustrates me, it cheers me up, it melts my heart, it just gets to me like nothing else. that connection with an animal is just so intimate. its a feeling of long understanding and servitude and entrusted emotions. it doesnt go away with distance, it doesnt go away with time, that ache is always, always going to be there. its a place somewhere deep inside me for jazz that, while other horses may temporarily fit, he will be the only one i share that with.

2011-operation clean

a new start...but why do we always start 'fresh' at the new year? im not sure. its like a new page in life i guess. a clean page that is just waiting to be filled with the things that occur.
my new years resolution?
cleanse.
thats it. cleanse myself in every aspect of life. of the bad habits ive got, of my lack of motivation to stay in the Word, of unhealthy foods, of laziness, of roiling emotions, cleanse myself of all things that will bring me down. i used to blog just about every day for these last couple of months. i was letting myself be sucked down into the swirling pit of my feelings and swinging moods. i dont feel that urge to just get it out anymore. ive moved on from the past, and the specific things that caused that. im not drinking anything but water now, its the purest drink there is and i strive toward being pure in God's sight. im going to work hard to stay healthy, when i feel healthy i just feel better all around. im going to find beauty in the world around me that God has created, and thank Him for it. each and every day. im going to bury myself in God's word and learn from it. i want to be able to listen to Him and interpret what God's will really is.
wish me luck, even though that has nothing to do with it.
let this mission commence.