currently

Tinder sparking in your chest, turning to raging hot fire ripping through your lungs
burning burning your throat as the words are thrown from your mouth
like flames that are hungry for destruction and hurt.
They reach everyone in your path, clearing the way to leave wastage and ashes behind,
spent and forgotten in the past.

This is your present: grey, empty, air choked with scorched ambitions hopes dreams.
The color is drained from everything, consumed by the fire that was of your own origin.
There are no stars to give light, just an ink black sky that no longer holds its secrets open.

The destruction pushes everyone away, draw inside yourself further, you drift in the grey and slowly fade. Your colors are lost in the fog of being forgotten. It's your own doing, but you have no way of stopping it anymore. Wait to be remembered, for someone to notice you're not there, and wait forever.

slide

I keep remaining in denial that the change is not coming; that the air will stay warm and heavy with moisture, the leaves will remain green, and I'll be able to watch the sunsets at 9pm. I don't know what it is about the season of Fall, but I resist the transition from summer. Summer symbolizes freedom and warmth and sunshine, fall is full of change. I can feel it in the air, it has a different quality to it. There's an emptiness to it, summer air envelopes your body and mind. The impending change only brings more and more cold, I hate the cold. It doesn't matter how many layers I put on, it's in my bones. I have to be able to go outside and just be, the changing seasons don't let me do that as much as I need it. I suffer from heliophelia, an acute need for the sunshine and warmth. My mood, and entire state of being seem to thrive with more of it. As the temperatures drop, so does my functionality...

valued.

Our lives on this earth are such an infinitely small thing in the rest of eternity. We get so caught up in day to day grievances that we forget to truly live each day. See things with a renewed passion, the colors brighter, the scents stronger, sounds more piercing, touch on fire. Such a beautiful, peaceful soul lost so early on. Rest easy. Where is our appreciation for each and every moment we have both alone and with our loved ones? The gratitude for the places we go and live, the experiences we have. Every sunrise we see should remind us to take joy in the day we are given; every sunset should allow us to look back on this day and be thankful for everything that happened. Bad, good, just okay; it all happened for a reason. There is room to learn, room to love, room to cry, room for thankfulness and gratitude, room to just live.  So often I forget how to do something so simple as that.

Temple

Finding your temple is not an exact science. It may not be in a church building, a Sunday School room, the Youth House. It's where you find your connection the most with God, where your eyes are finally opened to his glory. And your heart is truly grateful, joyful, just full to the brim. The church is there to teach us and our brothers and sisters are there to learn alongside with us, fellowship with us. I have had my special places, my temple places, since I was young. But I didn't realize I even had them until recently, the true beauty in them. It may not even be the actual place that's so sacred to me, but the thoughts and thanksgivings and introspection that occurs while I'm there brings the value.

 1. Introspection: Running on these trails and by tranquil lakes lends itself to pushing my limits. Testing my willpower as I convince myself it's mind over body with each step. It's so easy to stop, but it takes strength to push forward. The mindless action of one foot in front of the other, breathe in and breathe out, empties my mind of the worry I usually face, it's when I really do feel like it's not all on me to solve all my problems. Running with my body ends the running of my mind.

2. Escape: The constant washing of the waves brings consistency when I cannot. When I'm here, I forget what day it is and what I've crossed off on my ever-lengthening to do list. I forget how many hours I have to work in the next week or how much money I have to pay for this or that. I forget the constant monster of not knowing what or where my next 4 years will take place. God gives me this place in order to forget the things I can never seem to. 

 3. Joyfulness: Experiencing true joy is something that not everyone is graced with. In this field, with this animal, I'm no longer sunken in pressure to succeed, set by my own unreachable standards. Simply living, appreciating, experiencing what God has given me. It all happens here. Letting go. Something I can't seem to be able to do on my own; letting go of my need to have everything in control and in order. Turning, reaching forward, and asking for full speed; flying above the ground weightless, staccato beats into the hardened clay, mane whipping in your face as your fingers lace through it, asking for more and more speed, taught muscles bunching and uncoiling beneath you, sheer power to be finessed with grace. An innocent animal with a soft muzzle, pricked ears, a soft nicker, and an unmatched heart. God blessed me with this creature to show me that I can let go, it's possible. He allows me to experience the beauty of not being in control, of just living for what you have.