gifts

These gifts you've given me, you've given without even knowing.
Your kind spirit; quiet, soft, gentle, following.
Your confidence; you look to me for guidance, for the soft murmurings of reassurance when you're questioning something.
Your trust; it's not something freely given. It's something that's earned, over time, with experience. From the beginning, I was pulled to you. Your willingness and ever-pleasing heart were hidden under a dark cloud of unknowing. Others saw the fear as negative, I saw it as a reason to reach towards you even more.

I've never had this kind of bond before. I somehow ended up with you, through strange luck and odd situations. Over these years, we've built this language that no one else really gets. It's been silent for the past while now, and the quiet rips me open a little more each day. It's not a peaceful silence, but an eerie, too quiet one. This crack has turned to fissure, soon to be an open canyon. Now I'm the one facing this unknown, history is repeating itself.

Oceans

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are min

claustrophobia

It's all pressing down, the weight gradually getting heavier without you noticing, until all of a sudden you do. You're fine for a long time, till you're just not.

Simply not knowing is hard.

Rejection? Going for 10. 

I can't put my life on hold for it though right? Wrong. You can't understand until you're in this situation. Wanting to do something for the rest of your life full of passion, that makes you feel full, satisfied, driven, full of purpose. What is one more year when it's the rest of my life that's in question? I'm (not) sorry I'm not at the same point as you. I'm (not) sorry I chose this path. I am sorry you don't experience the passion that I do, that you can't fathom my drive. You can't feel it unless you're inside this mind of mine. Where rainstorms turn to hurricanes and coastal breezes soothe the wounds. 

Ready to be out of this claustrophobic place; I need wide open spaces and slow afternoons. 

Salty air, skin, soul.