it's always last.

I'm sick of being the one at the very back of anyone's mind. It's infuriating. I'm the one that's put in all this effort, and this is what I get? It's such a recurrent thing in my life. I deal with it all through high school, hoping to somehow change it. Right, like that ever works out for me. I go to college, find someone I thought would be there. Turns out it's just another situation I was hoping to leave behind. I'm tired of it. And the worst part is the other party has absolutely no clue, ignorance is bliss they say. It's like standing outside the window, watching a big happy family enjoy their time together, when all along you thought you were a part of that family. Except you're not. You thought you were important, you meant something, you were included; no, it's not actually like that. It takes a lot for someone to say "oh yeah, shouldn't she be here too?", if they ever remember to do that. Most of the time they don't even bother. I just can't even handle it. And it just keeps happening, and I just keep trying to forget about it and not get hurt. Yet I keep letting myself care, only to get let down. Again. Albert Einstein said that doing something over and over again hoping for the same result is a sign of insanity. My destiny I guess. The big question is this though, do I attempt to leave it behind or do I try to hold on to what used to be? Meet me at the asylum I guess...

could it be?

At this particular moment, I feel genuine satisfaction, happiness. My moods seem better all around, and I am less discouraged by the little things. I know it comes and goes in cycles, and I worry this is just another one of them. So I am cautious with it. I want to make it last. I love the joy that I feel, the love that comes so easily. The small moments that I find myself enjoying. That smile, laughing at my stupid comments or forgetfulness. Your hair, the way it sweeps to the side in such a perfect manner and then the little cowlick you have on one side. It's brassy auburn sheen, so unique and just perfect. Everything about you, the way you look in certain shirts or jackets, your jeans with all the holes in them that you tried to sew up, your freckles covering your face as it grows wide with your white-toothed smile. Your slight pigeon-toedness.The way you always fall asleep with your head on my lap as I run my fingers through your thick hair. The way you sleep period, your body heat keeping me warm in your deep slumber. Just everything. This, my current state of being, it's beautiful. I want to stay right here. Even through the upcoming weeks that will prove to be stressful. I want to hold onto it. I'm determined.

fragility

i just want to be strong, but i can't ever seem to. i can't even control how my emotions go. it's like this thing grabs me from the inside and won't let go. it forces me to speak with no enthusiasm, to feel too much, to turn from bubbly to stone cold in a second. my feelings and emotions and experiences are tangible. it's not just a light cover over me, it's a thick curtain of whatever the heck it is at that moment. furious intensity. and then the guilt later. makes me shed tears, makes me feel even more. i'm scared i'm gonna ruin it. because of this complex that i suffer from. it never seemed to be a problem until it was. i don't remember doing this earlier in life. yeah, i crowded things out, pushed them back down below the surface. but i don't remember feeling this, like this.

roundabout

I don't even know what's wrong with me, why can't I explain what's going on in my head? In my state of consciousness. I feel like my standards are too high, and I expect everything from you. How is that even fair? Then you go and rise above the rubble and burning and are still able to try your best to pull me out of it too. It always comes back around to me, my problems, my issues, I'm the cause of it all. I'm the only one that can change it. "No you're not," he whispers, "I am near" he says. But I am I am! Talking solves nothing, I just go around in circles blocking everyone out, saying they can't fix it, only me. I don't know how to make you understand what it feels like, there's no description, only feeling. Emotions are fleeting they say. They are, but what's the underlying deep down problem that keeps resurfacing? It keeps resurfacing because I keep shoving it back down, but I don't know how to release from it. Iron claws grasping my insides, choking out anything but the guilt of everything I do wrong. I always am the one to mess things up. And I'm just gonna do it again. And again. Recurring. How do I stop this cycle?

cant cope.

I think about life, and oh how it changes so fast
And oh how it's so hard to last here waiting for something to give
I think about time, a luxury so hard to find
And I just can't figure out why I wasted it all here without you
But I'll be fine, and oh don't you worry
Cause I'll be fine, see I'm in a hurry to be
Gone away awhile, tell me all the things that I
I'll be missing here in this old life man cause I just don't know
I think about you, and all the times that we shared
And oh what a wonderful pair we made made it so far here we go again
I think about love, and oh what a beautiful song
And oh how it need to be sung here sing it so loud all the world can hear
I think I'll be
Gone away awhile, tell me all the things that I
I'll be missing here in this old life man cause I just don't know
But I'll be fine, oh don't you worry
Cause I'll be fine, see I'm in no hurry
No I'll be fine, oh don't you worry
Cause I'll be fine, see I'm in a hurry to be
Gone away awhile, tell me all the things that I
I'll be missing here in this old life man cause I just don't know

not quite yours

What happens when, all this time, you were under a different impression?
It's truly worth the wait isn't it? I'm truly worth the wait...right? Don't you realize how much better it will be? That instant satisfaction is really only a  momentary thing. It's a big commitment, oh I'm aware of it. I'm right there with you, going through the same process. The same wait. Only for me, it seems to stick with me better. I understand the ramifications. Probably because when something so little happens, I get a taste of what it would be like to have the ultimate downfall. The leftovers of that. I don't want to even come close to experiencing that pain. The pain of now is enough to cope with. I'm fragile; I break easy, I break often. To me, the safety of waiting is so much better than taking that risk. Because I know it would be continuous, it wouldn't be a one time thing. I would never be able to let go. Can't you see that? You see me now, and how I'm affected. Just imagine, imagine how awful it would be to have that intensified, a dark, ever-looming presence. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't be able to deal with it. And I know that. Maybe I can make you understand the deeply run guilt complex I suffer from? I've tried in the past. But I can try again.

It's too early to implement the only solution that i know of. Honestly though, I don't think it would really be a solution. It would be a shortcut, cheating. Those don't usually work out how they're supposed to. So when the time is right, I'll know. You'll know. We'll know together. And we'll do it the right way. Just keep the patience. Keep waiting. Just trust me on this one, for once I do know better than you.

realism

So realistic, all the time. "I'm just being realistic", when instead I could be more encouraging. I let everything get the best of me. Small things turn my whole emotional train backwards and upside down. I get discouraged easily. I get down easily. I can't seem to totally control my emotions and how I let them creep into everything I do. And that bugs me to no end. I start the day off with the thought that I won't let it happen, yet it still seems to. Yeah, it's getting a little better. But it's like, I get better in one area or subject, it moves to another. Just trades places for a while. I don't know how he puts up with me. I feel like I'm the messed up one. Maybe if I start believing I'm not, it'll start becoming true? I can't fix myself though. I'm apologizing all the time for everything I do. I feel like I always do stuff that warrants an apology. I feel like when it's going right, it's a carefully tread line and I'm teetering on the verge of going down. It could go either way with the tone of voice, the choice of words, the gesture, my breathing, my eyes, my looks. Everything sets it off, but how do I control the set off? Sometimes it goes off, sometimes it doesn't. I don't want this in the middle thing, I want the real forever.
Genuine. Love.

to the memories made; goodbye summer 2012

I move in to the apartment tomorrow. Back to school for another year. They fly by, yet they crawl. My summer disappeared, I remember driving up to the house for the summer and enjoying that sweet sight. Breathing in the fresh, country air and reveling in it's clean, sun-soaked scent. Snuggling up to Sammy after months apart. MY OWN BED. (No more needs to be added to that statement.)

My summer was good though. Completely full. I worked/volunteered at 3 different places to get hours for vet school, gotta get that diversity in. I went to the beach a couple times, I went to Greensboro a lot, and last of all I went to Belize. It was an amazing trip, a time away from the fast-paced world we live in. A time to serve God in hard, manual labor, as well as with the children. I learned a lot; about myself and about what I really need to focus on. God used it as a time to teach me.

Pictures probably describe my summer best really...

one year anniversary present from babyy: photo sesh once summer started (our one year was back in febuary(: )

i love this boy with every fiber in my beingg

must-have Chaco picture; at Corozal Bay, Belize C.A. 

 

 

 

Last morning in Corozal, just after the sunrise

Covered in dirt and concrete mix after construction, one of the kids took this one :)

Suzette, my favorite little girl in San Victor

Radir, Roger, Me, and Shadir (all brothers!); some of my favorite boys in San Victor

Part of the group at the top of the High Temple at the Lamanai Mayan Ruins, free day of the week

Sue, Me, Philip (NOT PHIL), Daniel, and Bristol on top of the ruins

OKI

I love him and his freckles

sweet, sweet love

perspective

"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."
-Nelson Mandel

the number 15

it's been approximately 462 days. that's a long time. today isn't any special occasion, i was just thinking about it. i can't believe how far we have come, how close we have become. how deeply we understand each other, how we can just sense, no words are necessary. it feels so natural, easy as the coming summer breeze. i know what i want for the future, we talk about it often. shared hopes and dreams, shared plans. i can't hardly express my feelings anymore, they run so deep and are intertwined with yours, i sometimes don't even have to. a simple gesture, tone of voice, look in my eyes; you know. it's wonderful. the preservation, the desire. just keep being patient, the day will come eventually.

later on

I'm sorry I'm so mean, irritable, impatient. I'm sorry I'm like that. I always feel bad about it later, wish I could go back and fix it. I don't mean to seem like I'm down all the time, I promise I'm not. I don't want you to get tired of me, or wish things were like how they used to be, whatever that may be. I know I'm just digging deeper into this, it's really not that big of an issue at the moment. But in the long run, it really is. I forget to live day by day, treat each and every one like it's brand new and worth living. Do something with every day you're given. Don't waste it on fleeting emotions, laziness, or instant gratification. Find pleasure in simple things. Look at challenges as opportunities, not something to complain about. I want to do this. I need to do this.

instinct

You know that feeling of dread that lies in the deepest part of your belly? It's a mix of fear, anticipation, it makes your anxious, like something bad is about to happen and you just know it. But the funny thing is, you just can't place why. It's a deep, instinctual feeling that sends your mind and gut churning for the possibility. When a thunderstorm is coming, the dark clouds start to gather, indicating what's coming. The air becomes charged with a tangible electricity that puts your hair on end, sets your teeth on edge. My [our] air is charging right now, building, building, but what's next? I don't know if I'm just doing that over-analyzing thing again or if there's something truly there. It's like a catch in the way you speak, touch me, look at me, guarded. I feel that I'm so in tune with you, I can tell when something is off. I don't know what to do about either... "Is there anything wrong...?" "Nope, nothing's wrong." That's the way it goes every time. Until I finally just tell you I know. I'm afraid though, afraid of the possibility of an end to it all.
It's probably just a deceptive trick of my ever-swirling mind. Time will tell the truth.

convincing.

How do I even begin to convey such a strong conviction on something to others? It's a deep rooted feeling that I know is absolutely right. It's practically impossible for someone who doesn't feel the same to understand. It rips my insides to shreds. It's somewhat disappointing in a way, to have thought someone felt the same as you all along. Until you realize they don't, they never have. Especially on this subject matter. While I know everyone has different opinions about things, I feel that this is something that an opinion is not allowed on. It's what we are taught and what we live by. Maybe it's just the fact that I feel the consequences so much more intensely. I hold myself responsible, and myself only. I'm the only one that can change it, I'm the only one that can stop it. That mantra playing in my head over and over again, it's all I know. Know how some people can love too hard? Well. I think I feel too hard. Everything affects me in such an intense way, it's so raw and just there. The pain is much more. It's like a sixth sense. Some people can hear or see or smell better than me, but I bet you I can feel emotions better than them. But what is the solution for that? Putting up a brick wall in the past has not worked. Then I just shut down. Trying to deal with it myself has not worked, this is what it brings me to; such an unbearable, ever-present intensity. I think I know the answer, and I try every day to apply it. It's such a habit to revert to my old ways, that sometimes I just forget.
What did I say one time a while back? Oh yeah, I'm a work in progress.

it's not a coincidence of time and matter.

I've been so far away from Him lately, and it's so easy to do that. I get buried deeper and deeper in my problems, my schoolwork, my busy schedule. Is it really an excuse though to be too "busy" to take time out of my day to spend with Him? No. That's an absolutely not. I don't see how people can live their lives day to day so out of touch with God. It messes me up, I cannot handle all of the things going on by myself. And I know that very well, but I still fall into that habit of trying to do everything myself. It's such a huge load on my shoulders that it starts to crush me under the weight. I break down every day. I have these revelations sometimes, where I finally sit down and take the time to be quiet. Quiet my thoughts, my head, my feelings, my soul. That's when I finally hear my Savior knocking to let Him in, and I finally open that door of my heart. It's time I let go of my troubles. I beat myself up over little things that I feel I haven't done right, but now my Savior steps in to save me from my own doing. I lay on the ground, broken and beaten, weak, wounded, at the point of expiration, but who is there to lift me back up? Yes. My God, my Jesus, my Savior.

February 8th, from the book Jesus Calling by Sarah Young:
"I am above all things: your problems, your pain, and the swirling events in this ever-changing world. When you behold My Face, you rise above circumstances and rest with Me in heavenly realms. This is the way of Peace, living in the light of My Presence. I guarantee that you will always have problems in this life, but they must not become your focus. When you feel yourself sinking in the sea of circumstances, say "Help me, Jesus!" and I will draw you back to Me. If you have to say that thousands of times daily, don't be discouraged. I know your weakness, and I meet you in that very place."
Scripture references: Ephesians 2:6; Matthew 14:28-32

I mean could that seriously be any more perfect? I shake my head in awe at the saving grace of my God. He knows when and exactly how He is going to finally get through to me that I need Him, I can't do everything on my own. I fall to my knees in reverence of my astounding God. Thank you, Jesus.