why do i let simple things control me? i read into responses, into words far, far too much. we do this to each other. and it solves absolutely nothing. its not in my mentality to be the upside, im hard wired to be reserved and resort to my internal stores. im sorry i cant cater to your needs. im sorry im just like you. but then again, im not like you. im sorry i have to make things better, im sorry i absolutely cannot stand for something to just lay there broken. i need to fix it. i need to make it better. it's this thing i have about me. im just sorry for being sorry so much. when you retreat, you stay there. why am i always the first to try and solve the problem? you may be the initiator in other cases, but trust me, this one's more important. don't even argue with me on that one.
i detect something off, and i immediately resort to thinking what did i do this time? what did i mess up, what did i say wrong, what did my tone inflect? i ALWAYS blame myself. because if i don't, then there will be no blame. and then a gap will start to form, a tiny fissure that will continue to widen and expand into a huge, gaping chasm that will consume me. and you. im begging you, take some responsibility, some initiative to ask me what's wrong. is that feasible? i can't keep 'letting things roll off my shoulders', because frankly, absolutely nothing rolls off my shoulders. it just sits there and builds and builds and builds until i crush. there's always something left behind, carefully recorded in my subconscious, my emotions, in my heart. it's noted there and it will forever be there. it will make me feel something every time it's brought to the surface. whether it's a positive connotation or a negative connotation, well that takes a little bit from both sides to determine.
you tell me to tell you, but sometimes i'm scared...scared i'm gonna mess things up. that always gets me in the end.
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