could it be?

At this particular moment, I feel genuine satisfaction, happiness. My moods seem better all around, and I am less discouraged by the little things. I know it comes and goes in cycles, and I worry this is just another one of them. So I am cautious with it. I want to make it last. I love the joy that I feel, the love that comes so easily. The small moments that I find myself enjoying. That smile, laughing at my stupid comments or forgetfulness. Your hair, the way it sweeps to the side in such a perfect manner and then the little cowlick you have on one side. It's brassy auburn sheen, so unique and just perfect. Everything about you, the way you look in certain shirts or jackets, your jeans with all the holes in them that you tried to sew up, your freckles covering your face as it grows wide with your white-toothed smile. Your slight pigeon-toedness.The way you always fall asleep with your head on my lap as I run my fingers through your thick hair. The way you sleep period, your body heat keeping me warm in your deep slumber. Just everything. This, my current state of being, it's beautiful. I want to stay right here. Even through the upcoming weeks that will prove to be stressful. I want to hold onto it. I'm determined.

fragility

i just want to be strong, but i can't ever seem to. i can't even control how my emotions go. it's like this thing grabs me from the inside and won't let go. it forces me to speak with no enthusiasm, to feel too much, to turn from bubbly to stone cold in a second. my feelings and emotions and experiences are tangible. it's not just a light cover over me, it's a thick curtain of whatever the heck it is at that moment. furious intensity. and then the guilt later. makes me shed tears, makes me feel even more. i'm scared i'm gonna ruin it. because of this complex that i suffer from. it never seemed to be a problem until it was. i don't remember doing this earlier in life. yeah, i crowded things out, pushed them back down below the surface. but i don't remember feeling this, like this.