jshvasdjgdsag1218101157

youre right, itd be easier to just let go. let things fade into the past. its so much easier to forget and heal that way. loss of contact brings about loss of attachment. im just not ready for face that yet though, i want to hold on tight for all its worth. worth what? just delaying the hurt in the end. id rather face it now i guess, i try to hide it well. for the most part i do; "if only you knew..." i cant stand it though. practice makes perfect; soon ill be callous enough to where i dont feel it anymore. ill be used to the ache, maybe. time will tell. i just dont want to let go yet. i shouldnt even have let it go this far, but strangely enough i dont regret it. the memories made before the pain came just make me smile. a sad smile though, because i know thats gone. for good, im sure. it wont be coming back. you wont be coming back. the 'us' that was, it wont be back.
my choice. my only choice. i felt trapped. knowing that what i wanted and what i needed were two opposite extremes. i tell you im sorry and it seems to have no effect on you. do you know my pain is so much like your own? can you see that? its not easy for me either. dont you ever think it is. my own insanity seems to amplify it, tying everything back together until i trip and fall over my own doings. time and time again. i know your ways of seeming to not care; i dont go that route. i let it barrel towards me with no hope of stopping it...

imagine youre in the ocean, standing in the breakers. the waves come with undeniable force, my frail stature doesnt stand a chance to their strength. i still attempt to though, its that determination ive been given. call it stubborn, call it whatever you want, im still gonna stand up straight as that wave comes toward me, i wont back down.its a hopeless fight though, a relentless one. knocked down a million times over. stand back up, soaking wet, saltwater burning every wound, be it deep or just a scratch, seeping into my body bit by bit, let the water [pain] drench me again.
i turn my back and walk away, until the pain is so far away i cant feel even a trace of it.

just remember:
the memories will remain engrained onto the slate of my mind. it doesnt just wipe clean like a chalkboard, the falling dust all that is left of what was. with all those memories come emotions and feelings and thoughts and actions and longing, flooding back with undeniable force. when i dont distract myself enough, they play like an old movie reel in my head;

all those nights in the truck, not ever wanting to get out, not ever wanting you to leave. the music we listened to, the things we talked about, just even the scent of you sends my head spinning.
when we would go out anywhere, me so indecisive and you seeming frustrated with it, but i just smile and you smile back and everythings alright.
your warmth keeping me warm in my ever so cold state. always cold, now alone.
the time i spilled my milkshake from cookout, i felt like crying but you werent worried.
the times when you were just so happy, laughing at my sometimes naive, two-years-younger-than-you antics. im glad i could bring that to you, something positive at least.
the time when we went and rode the 4wheeler at your dads house, the cold air whipping my hair all around as i buried my face in your back to avoid the harsh wind, bringing streaming tears to my eyes. we parked by smith lake and walked out onto the little dock [withyouholdingmeclose] and watched the young geese swim all in a line behind their mother. you showed me where you grew up, the places you played in the woods when you were younger. i feel like im sneaking a peek into the past, with you guiding me, but where i dont belong.
the playful banter that was always going back and forth, always with good intentions. i could always tell you were joking because of the grin you couldnt keep off your face. pure fun, simplistic as it gets. thats what we had.
all the movies we went to; we never could seem to pick out a good one.
all those nights of falling asleep on your shoulder, it was so comfortable when i couldnt keep my eyes open any longer.
that first time you put your hand on my back sent shockwaves through me. you dont know that though.
ahh and your birthday. so memorable, best present ever? sure thing. that was the peak, the spike of good times, at its highest before it began a not-so-gradual descent. and it was my fault, but it was my only choice.
ill write this as to document my memories, although this is only a two dimensional form, these words. the other infinite dimensions cannot be explained, only experienced. i still feel the other elements of the memories every time i go back. ill tuck them away like an old photo album, to be brought out occasionally, to remember all the wonderful, smiling, joyous times that occured.
but maybe this is my way of letting you go, leaving me here grasping for the past [you], but unable to move to the future until i really do let go. complacency? what i feel now, content with watching you go. taming the ferocious side, holding it back, the one that wants to run after you, hold on, never leave, never lose touch, never move on. but whats really the best thing to do, the easiest?

sometimes my life seems just like a taylor swift song, thats the comedy i see in all of this.

untouchable

bliss, its so good to be home. despite the feelings and wayward emotions, the sharp jabs at the thought, at the hurt that you dont even know you cause, its so so good to be in the place i can call home. the place ive grown up. the tall and rigid pine trees ever present out the window, reminding me that they will always be there. my sky here just looks so different here. so blue and fluid and as close to perfect as it can get. my sunsets here dont amount anywhere else. ive been to quite a few amazing and gorgeous places, but the familiarity of this place is just comforting. its got a personal feel that welcomes me. i just let all else fade away; the bitterness, hurt, disappointment, shame, none of that matters. let contentedness wash over me and leave me smiling just for the sake of it.

learning process.

"i learn through experience" yeah, me too. im learning right now. to let go? of what could have been, but what should have never been. period. i never write about anything real or literal on here. its always a series of pictures or metaphors, relating them back to what goes through my head. thats how my mind works.
on another note, the wrong path seems to be so popular these days. ive headed that way, im standing still on it. i still cant force myself to physically turn around and run away, though i know with all of my heart that that is the right thing to do. my best friend however is barreling down that path at breakneck speed. learning through experience is not worth the risks, the hurt, the pain at the end. im gonna stand in front of her and stop her for as long as i can. but theres only so much one can do at such a distance.

and they fade.

that hole just gapes open, empty and waiting patiently for the right thing to come and fill it. those square pieces just dont fit into the circle holes, no matter how hard you try. we keep putting ourselves out there, searching relentlessly. yet the answer is right in front of us; sitting on our desk, the world around us, it whispers in a voice that can only be heard by those who listen. the minute i just stop to listen, i know i will find the satisfaction that can patch up that gaping hole.

my insides seem to ice over, just like the cold cold ground is doing. my care fades away along with the light of these ever-shortening days. i dont know whether to try harder or just let go. i learn how to seem careless from you, i let how i feel about you influence me. with others. i give up. i dont feel like trying anymore. i just need to bury myself in the friends and world around me, need to lose myself in Him. He cares when you dont, when all else fails, in any and every situation. wake up and realize that.

in between.

everythings all tangled up between the previous and the whats next. just hanging there, dead center. lack of control, lack of commitment; side by side. definition of the present. things wont work that way, they dont. as much as i wish that was possible, it just doesnt. i dont want to lose the closeness, but i feel that drifting away is inevitable. something i cant stop or control, i cant just cover my ears and squeeze my eyes shut to block it all out. because once i open my eyes and ears, youll be gone. just like that, leaving me grasping nothing but thin air. i dont want this to become the future, are you willing to stick by me? despite all my indecisiveness, and mixed emotions and feelings directed towards you? i lean one way and then the other, back and forth, over and over again. doubting my own decisions. i cant seem to make any of the right ones lately. they just backfire and leave me feeling stranded.  
please dont. as i beg you, pleading, just dont walk away. thoughts, feelings, hands, emotions, intertwined. realize that ripping all that away will leave a smarting wound, fresh and ever present. until it scars over, leaving no nerves or feeling towards the issue.
i never meant to drag it out, thats what leaving it in the in between will do. once i finally build up the nerve to explain, its too late to stop without damage. all i can say is im sorry, yet that will never suffice. how did i ever end up in this situation?