that door was slammmmmed

i got closure.
exactly what i wanted.
im not hurt.
im not upset.
im laughing.
i still feel like i won.
why? because i am stronger.
its just that simple.
i didnt come out as the coward. i didnt come out as the one who runs away. i stood. in the face of it all. and dealt. i fought. i fought hard. and i didnt go down. i was so close, so close to letting the control go completely. but ive gained it back. ive gained it back and im more powerful than ever.
i feel the opposite of what is expected; empowered.






The end is never the end. A new challenge awaits. A test no man could be prepared for. A new hell he must conquer and destroy. A new level of growth he must confront himself. The machine is the ghost within. This is the journey of the man on the moon.

and yet they prevail

theres no feelings left. i only admire your strategy; flee.
its so cowardly, yet so effective.

i feel like im going through the motions. im halfway through my last year of highschool, but i dont know how i got here. i wasted two months, waiting. for what? all i got was hurt. ive let a wave of complacency wash over me. making the days just blend together. into grey. the weather doesnt help either; the skys grey, the ground is grey, nothing stands out as a vivid picture in my mind. thats how my memories work; all through pictures. i remember a time, pictures and sounds automatically pull up with it. the highlights of my days are what i remember, they are so vivid and luminous.
the summer was my favorite. everything is always so bright and happy and full of laughter, of bonding, of freedom.
summer is the color of freedom. the crystal blue sky, the green grass as it dulls in the heat, the white sand of beaches, the cerulian turquoise of the ocean, the bright solids of a cotton tshirt in the sun, the orange and yellows and purples and reds of the sunsets, the shape of laughter and happyness and joy.
summer is the taste and smell of freedom. the taste of salty sweat from the intense sun, the briney taste of the ocean air on your tounge, the taste and smell of fresh cut grass in the morning, the sharp scent of chlorine by the pool, the fresh clean scent right after a huge thunderstorm, when its perfectly calm, as if the world has just been washed clean of the heat of summer, of its troubles, of its trying.

its bliss.

im a work in progress, always progressing, always shifting and changing with the days.

its a given

i have the uncanny ability to open up my own can of worms;
im the cause, im the culprit. i try to win, but i always fail.
im disgusted with myself.
im disgusted with the apathy of others.
im sorry i ever asked.
im sorry i ever brought it up.
im sorry for being sorry. i hate that i feel that way.

its a joke, something to be rid of.
something that is gross, annoying, in the way.

im kicking myself now.
but then im running, far. as fast as i can. i dont want to see.
i want to be numb to it. let nothing through. feel nothing in that regard.
but alas. i am not so great at that. it comes with practice i guess.

ugh;

i cant stand cowards: face it
i cant stand lack of commitment: you shall go no where
i cant stand flaky people: stand solid in what you say and do
i cant stand immaturity and perversion: we are in highschool for crying out loud
i cant stand disrepect to my things: its my stuff, i lend it to you, i expect you to take care of it

i like solidity. i need a solid. i need for things to be either yes or no, do or dont, not hanging halfway in the air. you commit or you dont.  its not like those cartoons, where the guy jumps off a cliff and is suspended in the air for a while before he falls; no, it doesnt work like that. gravity comes in to play, reality slams you down. shades of grey in certain areas...dont work for me.

this is selfish. but a lot of times, the downfalls of others are what make me irritated, frustrated. i usually have the motivation, the willpower, to overcome the mind part of it, its next to impossible for me to understand or comprehend how others dont.

its going good

this week.
has been good so far.
youth was quite excellent, i really got a lot out of it.
and ive come to a lot of realizations lately.
like Paul was struggling with in Romans; i knew what i was doing, i knew what i needed to fix but didnt have the ability to do so. pushed it to the back of my mind and just hoped it would right itself. well now that ive come to face these things, its not that bad of a battle. especially with God beside me, fighting for me.
ill post more tomorrow, when its not late.

i am at peace. and it feels very, very good.

its about time...

for you to man up. face whats coming. whats already come. and smacked you in the face.
you just wince and turn the other way, trying to pretend like its not something you have to worry about. like its not your problem. too bad it is. its my problem, its your problem.
ive tried to solve it. ive given you the tools you need to try to also, but you just dont. in all honesty, that is very saddening to me. ive done all i feel like i should. i used to care a lot. now, not so much.
seems like you dont care in the least bit, like you never did. you dont care about anything thats happened. my feelings. my emotions. my reactions. me. 
you dont care about what this did to me.  
did. as in the past.

in a sense, ive moved on. put it behind me. in another, i have not. its still tender. but i face it. unlike you. and i beat it down. i overcome it. i do not let this overpower me. ive learned to fight this with fight.
you just run away. sprint in the opposite direction, thinking that if you get far enough away, itll never catch up with you again. youll just forget all this ever happened. you hope you can make yourself forget. you just block it out of your mind completely, burying yourself in your stupid sports, your other life that has no remnants of me.
you say you have no time,
but i say thats just another excuse.

i fight this battle every day. this thing im feeling, its a lasting emotion, a powerful one. its unpredictable. i never know how strong it will be when it hits me. thats why im always ready, for however it might affect me. maybe im prideful. but i refuse to cower in shame and just wallow, just let it do whatever it may do. i have the best weapons though. they come from the Alpha and Omega. the one true God. thanks to Him, i have quite the powerful steel wall surrounding my territory. next to nothing gets through it anymore.

im stronger than you, in every single way possible.

so this is my farewell...no, this is my last stand. this is the last effort im putting into saving you. trying to help you understand, trying to help you face it. but when you dont cooperate, is there really a point? i dont see one. so. good luck. in your run away from this. i can only hope that you are stopped before its too late to turn back.