still.

its in those quiet moments, where everything is still and silent, that the emotions are strongest. actions speak volumes and the simple mentality of just knowing how meant to be something is takes over. the plan seems so solid and sure, its happening as intended, as planned by a power other than myself. i cant imagine anything else, it just feels so right. i catch myself doubting though, going on that feeling. always, always so cautious with the way things feel. im not a good judge typically of how i feel, and how it affects my life or current situations. however this time is so much different. i know that this is real, lasting, genuine, full of the right things. when all the things youve been looking for are finally in front of you, right there in your arms, you know it must be true. and im not gonna let it go for anything. ive found exactly what i want, and im not losing it.

13141511

in the midst of all this cramming and memorizing and attempting to make things click, i come to a realization. like the satisfying sound of a key turning a lock to open it, the connection in my sense of being is made. you have to be selfless, them before you, their thoughts before yours, their emotions before yours, their needs before yours: self-sacrifice. that is the key to this life. its something ive always known, but its just been pushed to the back of my mind in times like these.when stress is high and logic is almost nonexistent. being the type of people we are meant to be takes a lot of putting yourself at the bottom of the list. whether its loved ones, friends, or more than that...theyre at the top. what you say, how you say it, it all affects them more than you realize. its been on my mind lately, this whole process. so im gonna implement it and see how things go. all in all, it should lead to a more functional way with my relationships. all of them. love all. im going to be positive, show my best friend how much i love her and need her companionship...show him that im devoted, but even more devoted to HIM. and in just that way, that relationship will be just as it should: balanced. HE will be reflected in my every move, action, spoken word. 
college grows you up, ready or not. youre on your own with classes, decisions, everything. you learn to make the best of situations; burnt cookies in a dorm provided oven, baked chicken that takes too long to bake, homemade shepherds pie at 9pm on a saturday night, those little things mean the most. im a complex girl that loves the idea of simples things, simple concepts, theyre the easiest to understand. most everything else i dont, and i surely never will. but thus is life. just the way it should be.

ive come to expect this every tuesday.

i get lost in my own problems and frustrations way too much. if there's one person who i admire the most for being able to do just the opposite, it's my mom. she's always thinking of the way her actions and words will affect others, before just getting them out for her own self satisfaction. im still young, im still learning; you would think though, that after 18 years of living with my mom i could actually take something away from it. the concerns, the problems, the issues, the stress of her loved ones come before her own. it's a characteristic that comes with the territory of being a mom i guess, a wife, a partner in life. you absolutely have to become selfless. i want that. i want to be one of those people that someone can come to and voice their problems, not listen to me rant about my own. i seem to have this uncanny ability to find the bad in something that is so obviously good, no matter how small that bad aspect is, i find ways to magnify it and make it the biggest deal.
take 1:
"how was your lesson today?"
"ohhh my gosh, it was akjgkjlabgjer;tiuothaosifgblahblahhbgkjgBADsobgjsbgjsrgtsoannoying"
take 2:
"how was your lesson today?"
"it was tough, and i got kinda frustrated like usual. but it was still good overall, we got to jump!"

better? much.

i used to consciously try to think about what i say and how it comes off. that got lost among the stress and lab reports and mid terms and practicals and finals and day to day living. but im gonna find it again, im not gonna complain about dumb stuff. why complain about something that is supposed to be good for you? especially when its so minute that it is absolutely not gonna hurt the outcome of the rest of your life. find the good among the bad, let it overcome the negativity.

can you stop being so amazing?

actually dont do that, stay just as you are. its the best feeling that can be. you just know. things are not like they used to be, but you know thats not how they are supposed to be now. things happen just as they should, function just as they need to, just like they are supposed to. its meant to be like this, in the balanced little world we've cultivated. i dont want it to change, because i cant handle it well. but how exactly did we end up like we are now? oh wait, that's right: change. things slowly shifted and slid into place, where they fit. until they change shape again and meld around each other into a new form. im hoping with all that i am that you will still be in that new form, and im fairly confident you will. okay more than just fairly confident, im almost positive. i have all that i could need here, all that i could want, so why worry? its the downfall that infiltrates the good and turns it sour. so shut it out, lock the fortress tight, let nothing in that shouldnt be on the inside.
although most of the time its in our hindsight where we realize the mistakes we've already made.