a whisper

summer slips into fall, quietly, without notice until it's already happened.
the air changes quality, you notice suddenly.
the tangible feeling that summer air holds, one whispering potential, has faded away.
leaving you with emptiness swirling all around as the leaves begin to drop from the trees.
life goes into hibernation; as the leaves fall and litter the ground, they leave behind skeletons stark in contrast to the horizon. holding fast, holding onto the hope of warmth once again.
the grass turns brown and brittle, the ground is hard with cold. early mornings are sharp breezes against your bare cheek, foggy breath, cold air burning your nostrils.
fall brings change.
change brings diminishing functionality as winter looms in the distance, a chilling dark fog.

It's time to go home.
That time of year has come back around again. Heavy, tangible air, day and night. Blooming honeysuckle, the scent filling the air with it's richness, begging to be picked off the vines. Thunderstorms every night, thunder shaking the house, raindrops drumming a steady rhythm on the roof. High on the anticipation of the coming summer and everything it will bring, drunk on the warm nights and hot days. Only 500 miles stand between me and you. One last surge of willpower and I'm done. My tires will be eating up the road as fast as they can go, bringing me closer to you with every mile. Can't wait for your warm skin, freckles, thick hair, wide smile, crinkly eyes, deep rumbling voice as my head is on your chest, your constant singing, night rides in your truck as you hold my hand. I can't wait to hear your laugh, especially at my goofiness as I crack up in hysterics at absolutely nothing. It can't come fast enough, those days, weeks, with you. Slightly drunk kisses after supper. Your scent, fresh, clean, man. I even promise not to get mad when you fall asleep on the couch, again. I'll just finish the movie on my own and relish the moments I get to spend with you. It's been more than 5 years with you by my side and I still get chills when you touch me, a jittery stomach when you kiss me, excitement when I think about the future. You're the one, forever and ever. 

gifts

These gifts you've given me, you've given without even knowing.
Your kind spirit; quiet, soft, gentle, following.
Your confidence; you look to me for guidance, for the soft murmurings of reassurance when you're questioning something.
Your trust; it's not something freely given. It's something that's earned, over time, with experience. From the beginning, I was pulled to you. Your willingness and ever-pleasing heart were hidden under a dark cloud of unknowing. Others saw the fear as negative, I saw it as a reason to reach towards you even more.

I've never had this kind of bond before. I somehow ended up with you, through strange luck and odd situations. Over these years, we've built this language that no one else really gets. It's been silent for the past while now, and the quiet rips me open a little more each day. It's not a peaceful silence, but an eerie, too quiet one. This crack has turned to fissure, soon to be an open canyon. Now I'm the one facing this unknown, history is repeating itself.

Oceans

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are min

claustrophobia

It's all pressing down, the weight gradually getting heavier without you noticing, until all of a sudden you do. You're fine for a long time, till you're just not.

Simply not knowing is hard.

Rejection? Going for 10. 

I can't put my life on hold for it though right? Wrong. You can't understand until you're in this situation. Wanting to do something for the rest of your life full of passion, that makes you feel full, satisfied, driven, full of purpose. What is one more year when it's the rest of my life that's in question? I'm (not) sorry I'm not at the same point as you. I'm (not) sorry I chose this path. I am sorry you don't experience the passion that I do, that you can't fathom my drive. You can't feel it unless you're inside this mind of mine. Where rainstorms turn to hurricanes and coastal breezes soothe the wounds. 

Ready to be out of this claustrophobic place; I need wide open spaces and slow afternoons. 

Salty air, skin, soul. 

currently

Tinder sparking in your chest, turning to raging hot fire ripping through your lungs
burning burning your throat as the words are thrown from your mouth
like flames that are hungry for destruction and hurt.
They reach everyone in your path, clearing the way to leave wastage and ashes behind,
spent and forgotten in the past.

This is your present: grey, empty, air choked with scorched ambitions hopes dreams.
The color is drained from everything, consumed by the fire that was of your own origin.
There are no stars to give light, just an ink black sky that no longer holds its secrets open.

The destruction pushes everyone away, draw inside yourself further, you drift in the grey and slowly fade. Your colors are lost in the fog of being forgotten. It's your own doing, but you have no way of stopping it anymore. Wait to be remembered, for someone to notice you're not there, and wait forever.

slide

I keep remaining in denial that the change is not coming; that the air will stay warm and heavy with moisture, the leaves will remain green, and I'll be able to watch the sunsets at 9pm. I don't know what it is about the season of Fall, but I resist the transition from summer. Summer symbolizes freedom and warmth and sunshine, fall is full of change. I can feel it in the air, it has a different quality to it. There's an emptiness to it, summer air envelopes your body and mind. The impending change only brings more and more cold, I hate the cold. It doesn't matter how many layers I put on, it's in my bones. I have to be able to go outside and just be, the changing seasons don't let me do that as much as I need it. I suffer from heliophelia, an acute need for the sunshine and warmth. My mood, and entire state of being seem to thrive with more of it. As the temperatures drop, so does my functionality...